my christmas thoughts '10

As I was falling asleep last night I was thinking about this christmas season. Throughout my jr. high and high school careers christmas season has just felt like another holiday, I haven't legitimately felt festive in years. Contrary to years previous, I felt oh so festive this year. I loved caroling, relished Temple Square, and enjoyed the lights. Pondering on the change of my festivity, I realized that this is my last Christmas living at home. I leave for college next fall, and I think subconsciously I decided to gather up all the memories that I could. Truly, I am going to miss my family so much, and although I can be a very dependent person, I enjoy being able to rely on people. Oh MOM, I love you so much, you and I have so many good times, and so many hard times together, and yet they are all good in the end. ADAM I really don't know what I will do without you, probably the only person I can get away with taking my anger out on, and the only person who will still love me after I do. LAUREN man, you are just a little mini-me. You try so hard all the time to impress me, and you DO! You are so cute, and really, you are going to be just as funny as I am if not funnier. DAD oh dad, really, you understand my personality and potential more than I do. SIERRA, my best friend I never had to ask for. You are always there, and whether we see the same situation two different ways, you still try, and thats all I need in a friend. You know me well enough to know what I need most.
On top of my thoughts of my family, I was thinking about the lack of festivity, or signs of it. WHERE HAVE ALL THE LIGHTS GONE? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE TRADITION OF LUMINAIRES? Less than 50% of the houses in my hometown have lights on them. It makes me sad to think that people dont think that is manditory. Its not expensive if you do it yourself! Thats my frustrations.
So I got my best friend/ boyfriend a custom sweatshirt for Christmas, I was feeling pretty amazing. Then he shows up to my house with a HUGE box, and when opened up, there are more boxes and more boxes :] He showed me up! I love him so much, and I appreciate all he does for me, mentally and emotionally, is so much more than any friend that I have. I hope that I never lose you. Christmas this year, I feel like I am not as profound as last, but I am! I swear it, I just have all my thoughts scrambled into a big pot of craziness. I think I will right a follow-up for when my thoughts are more organized.

I know that my Savior, Jesus Christ, lives. I know that he is my only way to eternal life with a future husband, I know that he is my perfect example, and my perfector. I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the only true church on the earth today, and that Joseph Smith restored it. Christmas truly is the celebration of Christs birth, and I know that I have a personal testimony of it.

It is love if it is easy to care for others, it is charity when we love those it is hard to do so.

When reading the scriptures with my family the other night we got to talking about the differences between love and charity. Because, all in all, charity is the pure LOVE of Christ. But how do we get it? Honestly, I have no idea. Everyone comes with their luggage, everyone has things that they carry with them that can hinder a relationship, or help. It is up to us to look past it, and love them either way. I think that right there, is on its way to charity, but lets throw in this scenario:
Your family has been struggling to get buy, but this man in your neighborhood has asked your parents to invest a lot of their nest in his business, and promises a rewarding return. When your parents, a little reluctantly, agree to invest, things seem to be doing good. After a while your parents invest more and more in this mans company, and then out of the blue. You see your neighbor on the news right next to a caption of "Ponzy scheme Unveiled". Your family loses everything, has to move, and start over. This man goes to jail, and years later, when he is released you run into him in the grocery store. What do you do?
PAUSE!
So lets think about this. He ruined your life, and didn't even manage to send a thank you card, or an apology, in your mind, this man is going to hell. And yet charity, what would the charitable thing be?
A. Walk up to this man, tell him that you love him, and invite him over for dinner?
Honestly, maybe some of you are thinking that would be the thing to do. But I think that option B would work best for everyone.
B. Saying hi, if he engages in a conversation with you allow small talk, and let him know that there are no hard feelings. End it there. Don't pursue him, but dont persecute him.
This may not seem as nice, but you know what I feel charity really is? I think charity is loving someone on a level of ignorance. Loving them, despite what they have done, but ignoring it because it is not your right. You don't need to love everyone like you love your family or boyfriend, I don't think thats whay Christ intended. You know when you are talking about that one person in one of your classes who always makes you laugh, but you know what he does on the weekend is less than pretty? And yet you and your friends exclaim that you "love" him. I think that is charity. Except for the fact that not everyone has a redeaming quality to make themselves likable. I hope I am making sense. But for this sad little man who spent his last few years in jail, contemplating his actions, and may not be fully changed, but realizes the pain he has caused, dont you think that it is charity to silently forgive him, and put behind you. Notice I did not say forget. Because forgetting means no rememberance of, and when we do that, we can open ourselves up to the same hurt as before. So we put it past us. My brain is a jumbled mess, and this is a complex thing for me to wrap my head around, maybe I am behind everyone else. I have some forgiving to do, probably to the people who have hurt me most, and in some ways "changed" my life forever.
I forgive you. I know you arent here now, but I forgive you. I am sorry for not forgiving you sooner. I was wrong.

my "possession"

When I was little I used to have nightmares often. Sleep-walking and talking were nothing of a surprise for my parents to come across. Sometimes I would remember the nightmare, others I wouldn't. The reason I am talking about these past experiences is because recently I have had very interesting experiences with my subconscious. Following a few nights of disturbing nightmares something in my mind must have escalated. I woke up on the floor across my room, with an interesting array of things close to me. Not just my usual clothes crowding the floor. Sitting up, I discovered new bruises and pains that weren't there the previous night. I tried to think of what had been going on in my head before I woke up. I couldn't remember anything, not one thing. The only proof that I had of a nightmare was the horrified feeling I had in my stomach, and sweat in my hair. Wanting to dismiss it, I didn't say anything to my parents, and continued to get ready for my day. In the car, my dad asked me why I was up at 4 in the morning, and who I was talking to. At first I was confused and told him that I wasn't talking or anything. My parents room is right above mine so they can hear me when I am up late at night talking to my friend :] But this time I really didn't have any recollection of the memory. He said that he heard talking, and maybe screaming coming from my room. Great, one more thing to top off my night of fright, knowing someone possibly shared it with me, in a distant way. The mind is a very interesting place, and for the past few days after this occurrence I have been haunted with even more disturbing dreams. I am hoping that they soon come to an end, but we will see.....we will see.

I dont know how, but I seemed to have won the lottery of life.

            Recently I have been studying other cultures, and other lifestyles in one of my classes. Honestly, it has nothing to do with the class, and I think that its a little irritating that we are wasting our time on things that don't pertain to the subject matter. Nonetheless, I have grown to realize how lucky I am to live in the culture I do. It makes me really think, why me? Why do I deserve to live in any better circumstances than the next person? I don't, but somehow before I came to this world, I won the lottery.

           I was given my family, two parents who love each other, and three siblings that I can't stand. And yet they support me in all I am. Going to basketball games, verbally admiring my less than amazing grade cards, loving me when no body else seems to, and laughing at my stupid jokes.

           I was given a home, and security. Way too many people live in fear of what happens next, losing sleep because the fear envelopes your every thought, and the nightmares that haunt you for all of your nights. I grew up in neighborhoods that were safe enough to give me and my family peace of mind, and allow many more freedoms than the children in the slums. To me, you shouldn't have to worry about your child's safety during the night, its a sad place when you can. I have never had to be legitimately worried about my families financial situation. My dad has always worked so hard to provide for my family, and I have never been left in need. Even when my dad hasn't had a job, he was responsible enough that when he did he created a nest that would catch us when we didn't.

           I have friends who care, sometimes its hard to tell, but I know that they are there. Trevin, you have no idea how greatful for you I am. You are there when I SNEEZE, okay not really, but no matter what if I need you, you are always there when you can be. I have always had friends who have supported me, they have come and gone, and some have stayed, and for them, I would like to thank them right now. I know I can be a handful, and a little demanding at times, and somehow you all still love me, and put up with me. Thank you. I love you.

           And on top of everything I was born in this society. Some may say how our country is crumbling slowly, but where else would we live? Name one place that has just as many freedoms as ours, one place that allows changing of class, one place that is as great as this country, didn't think so. I am one girl that would not be able to stand not having rights just because of my gender, maybe that's one of the many reasons why I am here. I don't know why I deserve to be here, but I will do my best to prove that I do deserve to be.

Dear Santa,

I can only imagine, you sitting in your study and looking at my colorful picture of one of your impersonaters, and my christmas tree. I think I do them both justice. And just so you know, I can imagine it because I am watching you. I am even documenting this experience. Anyhow, I think we can all agree that I was an exceptionally good girl this year. I delt out footrubs to my mom like a cheerleader deals out.... well you know, cheers of course. I think that I was a good friend, and I most definately unloaded the dishwasher when my mom asked. I got a 3.7 GPA, and it still counts even if I had an easy hand of classes. Silly me, I keep getting off track, you will recieve this letter soon. You know what that means? That means that you will know what I need from you. I know my mom would be mad at my manners so I will rephrase that last part. You will know what I am wishing for this christmas. To be exactly honest with you, I have high expectations, my dad says I am high maintanence, but I just think I like nice things, and things the way I want them. So here is my list, in no particular order:
1. Since I am moving out soonish, to go to college, and onto the next stage in my life, a laptop would be greatly appreciated.
2. I want shoes :] one thing that everyone can agree on, is that shoes are a nice gift to recieve.
3. perfume, I just got some, but it never hurts to have more, eh?
4. I was thinking that money would just be nice.
5. anything else you can think of, but I dont particularly trust your choice in what I want, so if you can't get me any of the above, let me know and I will reply with an additional list of new things.
Well, in conclusion of this letter, I think you should lay off the cookies and milk, from what I am looking at right now, I have seen way too many servings go into three readings of letters. Just a suggestion, but I am sure Mrs. Claus would agree with me, if there is even a Mrs. Claus. Its so funny to me, everyone has their doubts about you, but what I am doubting is the fact you have a wife. Just my opinion on the matter. Well, Merry Christmas to you Santa Claus, Saint Nicolas, Kris Kringle, you name it, you've been called it. TTYL (talk to you later, like next year when I return to ask for more stuff)
Yours for the season,
                 Paige Marie Loudon
p.s. really, mail me back if you have any questions, concerns, or comments. But no, do not ask me how I located your place. Lets just say my resources are called "google".

am i alone in a crowd?

" Writing, when all is said and done, is an attempt to understand one's own circumstance and to clarify the confusion of existence, including insecurities that do not torment normal people, only chronic nonconformists, many of whom end up as writers after having failed in other undertakings. This theory lifted a burden from my shoulders. I am not a monster; there are others like me. "
-- from my invented country

I was reading this book for my english class, and when I read this, for whatever reason, I felt this deep connection begin to take place with this book. The words, I had never heard before, are so true, and my feelings towards them, are even stronger than the truth of them. I really do not have much to say in this post, mainly because it is stated above perfectly and if you do not understand it? Well, you probably wouldn't if you tried. I will leave the quote as it is, to take effect.

"Sanctuary: A place to retreat to, when the world has turned on you, when you feel alone, and when you need guidance from the Divine."

         Each of us has a past, one that can creep upon us in the present. The pain never seems to go away, the fear of things you have done never leaves, and the people who have hurt you never disappear. For people like me it's even worse, because I over think everything, and in my mind I am at fault for almost everything that occurs in my life, its hard to live with myself sometimes. So how do people like me do it? how do we survive? Personally, I find my place of refuge. My sanctuary. Every few months the things that comfort me may change, with time, almost everything does. But in most cases, all the things that bring me to my sanctuary stay the same.

          Writing is probably my most commonly used sanctuary, whether it is for my blog, in my journal, or just silent releasings of emotion into my notebooks. To me, writing is so personal, so emotional, and so inspiring. Could there be a better medication than to jot what is in my head, what needs to be said that may never be spoken. Through poetry I gain all that is needed from writing down my feelings in safisticated lines of code. Through my journal, I gain all the time for venting that it may take to cool down enough to think straight about life, and current situations. Through my blog, I am not sure exactly what I gain, I like to think that people read it, and even though I know that my audience is quite small, it gives me the satisfaction of putting my feelings out in the open without blowing up in someones face.

           Music is just one thing, that everyone in the universe can agree, that reaches the soul in a way that no pass time can soothe, that no therapy can touch, and that no amount of endorphins can heal. Sitting in bed, wrapped in my covers in the middle of the day, is innapropriate and is a perfect waste of time. Unless of course you crank the music, and listen, and just drown yourself in the emotion of the rhythm, the sactity of the lyrics, and the purpose of the melody.

           The all-healing method of my sanctuary though, is prayer. Prayer should not only be a sanctuary when you are in full retreat, it should be a constant counsel, but sometimes it is hard for me. And yet, everytime I need it, when I pray it provides such comfort for my fears, such respect for my tears, and such love for all I am. The quietly spoken communication with my divine Heavenly Father, and Savior is one that trumps all of my sad attempts for clearity and peace.

           Every person goes about finding their safe haven, their sanctuary in a different way, in a different place, and yet we all want to achieve the same thing. "In every heart there is a room, A sanctuary safe and strong, To heal the wounds from lovers past, Until a new one comes along."There are always friends, and people who love us to also help us, and I think that sometimes humans CAN provide a helping hand, you just have to find the ones that are willing to. I have a list, maybe a small one, but a list nonetheless, of people that I know will love me through anything. I love them too, and I just want them to know that.    

Such Great Heights- Postal Service 

I am thinking it's a sign

That the freckles in our eyes are mirror images

And when we kiss they're perfectly aligned

I have to speculate

That God himself did make

Us into corresponding shapes

Like puzzle pieces from the clay

True, it may seem like a stretch

But its thoughts like this that catch

My troubled head when you're away

When I am missing you to death

When you are out there on the road

For several weeks it shows

And when you scan the radio

I hope this song will guide you home

They won't see us waving from such great heights,

"Come down now", they'll say

But everything looks perfect from far away,

"Come down now", but we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave

This all on your machine

But the persistent beat it sounded thin

Upon listening

And that frankly will not fly

You will hear the shrillest highs

And lowest lows with the windows down

When this is guiding you home

They won't see us waving from such great heights,

"Come down now", they'll say

But everything looks perfect from far away

"Come down now", but we'll stay...

(music)

They won't see us waving from such great heights,

"Come down now", they'll say

But everything looks perfect from far away

"Come down now", but we'll stay...

(They won't see us waving from such great heights,

"Come down now", they'll say

They won't see us waving from such great heights)

"Each of us represents a star in the sky; sometimes we shine with the rest, sometimes we twinkle alone, and sometimes ... when we least expect it ... we fall and make someone's dreams come true."

Thank you.

The purpose of Thanksgiving is to reflect upon what blessings we have been given. But is that what we actually use it for? I think we all show some level of appreciation for what we have, but we do not spend most of the day thinking about it. I have so many ideas for my future family to help make holidays so much more meaningful, but for now, the change starts with me.
I could continue this post by listing a million different things that I have, but I wont. I feel when a list is made, it is harder to actually appreciate each blessing individually. So along with all the minute things in my life that still play a large role, I am going to list all the people, and things in my life I am grateful for, in no particular order.
Mom, oh mom, where would I be without you, and your loving guidance. We don't see eye to eye on many things, and even though that doesn't really change, I know that you do everything with a purpose. That purpose is our family. Your love for each of us shows, and no matter what we know it. You laugh at all my dumb, jokes, and even mimick them on occasion, and it really means a lot to me. You hold me when I cry over little things. You allow me to rub your feet almost ever night of the week, oh wait.... You sacrifice so much for me, mom, I love you, and I am so grateful that God sent me to you, here, at this time, in this family. Thank you.
Dad, you try so hard, and even though I don't easily accept a lot of things from you, including constructive criticism, I do appreciate how much effort you put into loving me, and trying to show me that you love me. Because I notice, I always notice whether I show it or not, I love you, and KNOW that you love me. I could not have a more caring, protective, and loving dad. Thank you.
Sierra, I love you! My older sister who has unconditional love for me, always forgiving me for stupid things I do, you have my back, and listen to me always, you care, and that means so much for me. You really are such a strong part of my life, you show me what I can do, what I can overcome. You are so strong, and I really appreciate your example. Thank you.
Adam, this may appear to be hitting the whole sibling thing, but really, I love you. Even though we don't always get along, its the times that we do that are so fun. Our sense of humor is really one of a kind. Everyone says that later on we will be best friends, and I used to think that was such a silly thing to think. BUT I really do see us being close, and I hope that comes soon, because I will be moving out soon enough. Adam, every once in a while I see a glimpse of your caring side, and it really redeems everything else, I love you. Be strong, because a guy like you, the world will attempt to tear down. You have so much potential. Thank you.
Lauren, you are so cute. I really hope that you know how amazing, and intelligent you are, because our family is just full of that. You can grasp our conversations at dinner when most kids your age wouldnt. You are so amazing in so many different ways. Its so cute when you talk about how alike we are, and even though I dont like to admit it, I know its true. I can see your sense of humor, and realize what it will be in the future. You ability to sympathize is so much like me it scares me. I really am so thankful for you being in my family and forgiving me whenever I am rude ( I know it happens often). Thank you.
The rest of my family has has such an impact on my life. They are such a huge part of how I am who I am today, its crazy. I love you all and you have been such an example to me! I really cannot imagine this life without you. Thank you.
Trevin, wow, there is just so much to say. You are my best friend and I love you. You are constantly there for me when I am sick, sad, even happy. You are such an amazing person, and have so much potential in this world. You care for me even when I know I don't deserve it at all. I really hope to always have you be a part of my life. I cannot imagine going it alone in this world without you. You help make me strong, in life, in the gospel, and anything else. Thank you.
Brayden, you are my brother, and I love you so much. The things that you have done for me in my life are truly amazing, and I really appreciate everything. In some ways, you could say that you saved my life. Thank you.
Mitch, my angel, I owe you so much. But I am so thankful for all your kindness, and all that you have done for me. It has truly changed my life. Thank you.
You, I am not thankful for you, but I am thankful for who you made me in my life. You helped me be able to sympathize with others, you helped me find my love for writing, and you helped me find my more serious side. Thank you.
Mr. Nelson, you are one of my heroes. You helped my love for writing become a talent. I may not be the best writer, but I love what I write, and you taught me to write what I feel inspired to write, not what I have to. But even more than that, you taught me that I can take any manditory assignment and make it personal. Thank you.
To my journal, you have created a special therapy for me that no one could comprehend. Thank you.
My Savior, I thank you everyday for the sacrifice that you have made for me. The pain that you suffered for me, and the love you have given me. You forgive me whenever I ask it of you, and you love me always. I love you so much, and could go on for days about you, but all in all I just want to say: Thank you.

a million things we never said.

Its always hard to look into the eyes of someone who has hurt you. for the last few months i have felt like I had lost my very best friends. I felt I lost him through a complex situation filled with saturated drama. Left without closure, I sought after a happy ending, as usual. Today in the over-populated hall of my school, I approached you. humbling myself was so hard, because I know I did nothing wrong. I was always there for you, I was your best friend forever, and I thought you would return the favor. And yet, here I was, looking you in the eyes, hand on your arm.
"can we talk?" the words sounded unnatural, and so reluctant to come out.
"no." you say as I look at you with confusion, " I have to go to class."
"then later? please?" Almost half smiling, glad to have taken that first step and then your word in reply.
"no." you pulled your arm out from under my hand, and walked away with your head shaking. you walked away, leaving me with tears dropping to the ground like bombs of sadness, that only I could feel the explosion of. This was a new form of rejection I had not anticipated, expected to become acquainted with so soon.
Last night I had gone through all the different ways this situation could possibly go, how could I have skipped that one? How did I miss the one that actually, now, seemed so obvious? The one path taken, that I had not seen coming, and yet it still came. It hit me head on.
I just don't understand. I was the only one holding on? The only one who wanted our friendship back? So I guess this is goodbye?
I will miss you, and all the moments that we share. The talks we have had, the tears we have wiped away from each others eyes. You may push them away, stab them in hopes to make them disappear, but they will always be there, in the back of your mind. And every once in a long while they will creep up on you, and you will realize what you did, what you threw away. I hope you are happy where you are currently, because I am not going to try to change that anymore. I am now going to force myself to accept your rejection, I am going to "forget". "Forget" what I can't, and yet I am going to try. goodbye to you.

I know that this song is written from a guys perspective, but if you switch it, it really is the only song that can explain how I feel right now.

"Tomb" by Allred

I woke up such a mess today, so alone and so afraid
That all the mistakes I had made had followed me back to this place.
And all these fading memories, they still haunt me in my sleep.

Excuse me for the way I look at you. You remind me of someone I thought I knew.
And I loved her so, but she left me in this tomb.

Why does it always end this way, a million things we'd never say?
And if our hearts weren't meant to break, then why's there so much we can take?

Excuse me for the way I look at you. You remind me of someone I thought I knew.
And I loved her so, but she left me in this tomb.

A glimpse.

Just imagine being doubled over in pain. the pain is so strong though, it is overwhelming every part of your body, in effect it makes you vomit. Every aching bone in your body begs to collapse and pass out, but you can't, its not done with you yet. Screaming, thrashing on the ground, begging, pleading with God to take you. But he wont. Hitting your head against walls in silly attempt to drown out the pain consuming your mind and body, the distraction only last for a moment. Every few months I go through this, not knowing when, or what is going on. It scares me, and anyone who see this pathetic ordeal. Why am I writing this? Because its the only thing that I can manage to write, to form whole thoughts about. My mind is on hold for the next few hours. The funny thing about pain is when its over, all the things you said, all the; screams you relent to, and all the thrashing seems a bit silly. And yet, when you are in the midst of it, it seems so real. Like you are ready to die, like you are really just done. Its so scary to see how vulnerable I am, and to realize how I am not invincible. I am not a person who enjoys the feeling of being weak, not being in control, and I definately do not enjoy feeling like I am mortal. Dont we all?

What Is Love?

What is love? Does anyone know for sure? It's been said that love is when you can think of nothing but that person. So does the paranoid delusional love the government, in all reality? It has been said that its a warm feeling that makes your heart beat fast without physical push, and yet getting up in front of a crowd can do the same, so do we LOVE to fear the crowd? It is stated so many different ways, and yet no one REALLY knows what love is. We just know it is. We all see it so many different ways, and yet the ONE thing that the entire universe agrees upon, is that love exists. The human race is all about seeing to believe, and yet love is the exception. Because no matter what you don't see love, you feel it. You may see a couple walking hand in hand, and feel happy for them, but you don't feel the love between them. You know what makes more sense then all those combined? Love is. That's it, no follow up, it just is. I may not know exactly what the full potential of my love is yet, but for right now? I know what love is to me, for this is as much as I have ever loved, and it may not be the perfect love, but to me, it is love. Love for me is you:) and whether I will develop my ability to know love or not? I will always love you on some level. Because my love for you is. It just is. No need for explanation. No need for complication, it's complicated enough already.

"First they put away the dealers, to keep our kids safe, then they put away the prostitutes, to keep married men loyal, then they shooed away the bums, to clean the streets, and then they beat and bashed the queers. Turned away asylum seekers, fed us suspicions and fears. We didn't raise our voice, we didn't make a fuss. It's funny, there was no one left to notice... When they came for us. "

-- one tree hill

I am impatient...

" I cry a tear each time I think about how life could be different IF I still lived there, IF we were still best friends, how I could have real friends IF I still lived there, IF we were still best friends. I miss you guys."

(essay question #2): Describe a setback you have encountered in your life. Explain how you have handled the situation, what you have learned from it

I have been sick. Since 7th grade, I have been sick. Sick with what? A disease commonly known as depression. Whether triggered by events, or just being reborn, it always came back. For years, I didn’t do anything about it, didn’t show others, and didn’t want to change. I felt alone, abandoned, worthless, and attacked. I felt I had no purpose. And in a way, that was my purpose, my life, to feel that I was nothing. I tried to find happiness.

Unfortunately I was looking for it in the wrong places, which made it harder. After a life changing experience, and simply brilliant advice, I decided to make some changes in my life. I abruptly stopped communication with the friends that I had been hanging out with previously. They were going down a path that I knew would destroy what happiness I had left. So I was gone. It was so hard to leave them, but some friends that I had previous to this group took me right back. They showed me a whole different kind of friendship, one that wouldn’t stab you in the back. I felt so much better.

When I still didn’t feel happy with my new friends I tried to figure out what I could do to help myself further. I went to my savior, and gained the strongest testimony of the atonement I could possibly have. I realized what it was fully, not just on the surface. I prayed to him, and every time I did, I would feel such a peace in my heart that it would bring tears to my already watering eyes. Reading the scriptures every night before bed really helped me receive the inspiration that I needed for me, and those around me. I seemed to be more helpful to those I cared about most, and I had things in perspective that I didn’t understand before. I could feel a real change in myself taking place, and it was definitely for the better.
Finally the next thing that I incorporated into my life was writing. I wrote about every feeling, emotion, event, and inspiration I had. I wrote away all of my tears, and even some of my fears. When I wrote I c

Application Question (for essay #1): Describe any special interests and/or passions and give examples of how you have developed knowledge and creat..

There is just something so appealing and attractive about putting words together to write something that can cause emotion, inspire thought, or urge action. To me, writing is an outlet to the emotions that I cannot describe in a casual act of conversation. For the great majority of my adolescence, I have been turning to paper and pen for the liberation of expressing what I feel. Through journal entries and other forms of writing, I have developed a pure love for writing and what it means to me.

For the past three years I have kept a journal, and written in it often, if not daily. These journals were more than just a mere historical outline for future generations. They served as a best friend, when I felt like I had none, a listener, when I wanted to talk and not listen, and a reminder of all that I have been through and how I have been shaped to be the person I am today. Every few months, I will take out a fresh notebook, and I will create another journal. I will tape a colored piece of paper to the front cover and then I proceed to decorate it. It makes my journal seem more personal when I have customized it to resemble myself during that time. I record situations in my life, feelings that are enveloping me, and even future aspirations I have.

Another form of writing that I use often is a blog. The purpose for a blog can be anything the author creates it to be. From online journals, advice columns, even to informational pieces on almost any topic, blogs are a rising trend in the writing world. My first experience I had with a blog was in my creative writing class. We were required to make and keep a blog of all of our assignments and prompts. It was helpful to see others opinions and constructive criticism on my pieces. After the semester long class, I did not want to stop writing. I made a different blog. It started as a documentation of the current events in my life, important and not. Slowly it formed into life experiences, and what I feel is the best way to overcome them, and ultimately endure them. Now I pour all of my passion into what I write on my blog, hoping it will one day help someone other than myself. For me, it is the ultimate way to put life into perspective, to step back and write, seeing things from different points of view, which often times reveals the true side to things and simple solutions.

To write, for me, is to be happy. I write away my problems, not in an attempt to run from them, but to more clearly see and fix them. I hope one day my writing will inspire someone somewhere to change for the better. Writing is my passion and I aim to continue to develop my talent for it.

I have to write right now, even though I really dont want to. I need to. I always talk about how I have overcome my depression, and how it is possible. Its a great thing, but I just want you to remember that just because the illness, the disease is gone, doesn't mean you never feel pain again. Right now, I feel very down, there is a lot going on in my mind that I feel that I dont know how to handle. And maybe I don't. But there is one thing I do know. I can feel the difference between this pain that is penetrating me at the moment, and the almost permanant pain that I have struggled with in the past. I don't quite know how to describe the difference, but I think we all just know for ourselves. Although the waves crash, we know that the tide will go down, and we will be able to breathe again. I could let this pain scar me, I could embrace it, and not let go, but that would be inviting my depression back in. And although sometimes it is hard to not open that door again, I realize that It will just make things worse then they already are.
If anyone can help it will be you :] and my savior. He will help me out, and help me feel that I can change, and stay that way. I know that I am loved.

"All that I am or even hope to be, I owe to my angel mother." Abe Lincoln

Dear Mom,

Everyday you do things for me. Things I am sure I don't even notice. Mom, you have been there for me, loved me, and cared for me in times when no one else did. When I was heartbroken, I knew that I could come home everyday and just sit and cry while you hugged me and let me. Mom, I don't understand how you can love someone who has lied to your face, yelled at you, and taken all you have done for them for granted. And yet you do. Being a mother is possibly one of the scariest things I have in my future, and yet the one thing that comforts me is that I have the ultimate example for the perfect mom. And just like the saying goes, 'perfect moms aren't real, and real moms aren't perfect'.

What one of us hasn't made mistakes that effect those around us? And yet you make it look so easy to overcome all that you have. Mom, you are a heroine in my eyes. I could not even imagine making it through this life without you guiding me, teaching me, and talking to me about what is going on.

I know I take you for granted a lot of the time, but mom, I really don't, I just don't know how to show how much I appreciate you. I love you, and realize some of the great sacrifices you have made to give me a comfortable life, a testimony of the church, and an ability to communicate. I love you with all my heart, and will love you even more when I come to realize the love a mother has for her child.

The worst thing about disobeying you, or "standing up for myself" is knowing that I have hurt you in the process of doing so. I know I can't be perfect mom, but I will try for you, and all those who have helped me become who I am today. I love you.

Your daughter for Eternity,

Paige Marie Loudon

What is my path?

"The Road Not Taken" By Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I used to think this poem was dumb and unrelatable everytime I saw it in english class, and yet now when I read it, it really means something. It means something more than words can explain. It is a beautiful poem that describes every persons life one way or another. It provokes thoughts of "where am I going?", "What am I doing with my life?", and "What decisions am I making today that could make 'all the difference'?"

It is only when we are forced to stand alone, we realize that we never were, and never will be.

In a class a girl read this poem, and it truly touched me. I began to tear up, and I could tell that I wasnt the only one. This poem is not complex, and does not have many of the attributes that the "english" rules dub necessary, and yet it is just as inspiring and influentail as any other one that I could find in the textbooks. It goes as follows:


One night I dreamed a dream.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.

When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand. There was only one set of footprints. I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life. This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.

"Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way. But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I just don't understand why, when I need You most, You leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."

"Footprints" by Margaret Fishback Powers


How true this is, at the hardest most trying times in my life, I have felt alone. Don't we all? The tears flow for ourselves, and we can't stand the thought of being alone. Fact: We aren't. Opinion: We still feel that way, and for some period of time want to. Our savior is always there, carrying us, bearing the weight if we let him. So why don't we let him? I will.
One thing that I know is that Our, My, Savior suffered all the pains imaginable to mankind, not just for our sins, but for our sadnesses. He felt every heartbreak, every distructive thought, every pain, every loneliness, and every unsure feeling. He knows what we have gone through, so how can we not take help from the one who knows EXACTLY what we aregoing through? My favorite phrase to my parents: "you just don't understand." And they don't, but they know somewhat what is happening. Well we can't say that to the Savior. That would be denying his sacrifice. I remember a time, when I felt that I was on my own, my soul purpose in life was to be abandoned and used. Tears of sadness, regret, worthlessness rolled down my cheeks, and I decided that I needed to get on my knees. As soon as I did, the dam came crashing down, and I felt like I would never stop crying. I poured out my soul, I said all I was feeling, what I was confused about, how I didn't know how to continue on. I felt this peace rush through my veins, and calm my breathing. I knew there was no possible force on earth that could have done that. I felt like through all that was happening, all the pain I was feeling, I could live, and be content with my life. So who is to say we are alone? We are only alone if we ignore the fact that we aren't. My thoughts are so scrambled today. I have a lot on my mind that I don't know what to do. But I will figure it out. I hope that this all makes sense and that I havent just been talking in circles, because thats how I feel. Here is an article that helped me understand the principles that I have talked about, it would probably help more : (copy and paste into address box)http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=185b230bac7f0210VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have told myself I was going to marry a returned missionary (of my faith). I didn't completely understand at the time, I just grew up seeing missionaries leave, and come back so different, so wonderful. In the church that I am a member of (the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) young women are asked -and recently- young men are almost commanded, to leave their homes for two years. During these two years, they devote everything they do to the Lord, and converting those who have not yet had the opportunity of coming to the gospel. It's a hard thing to do, and I will admit, I do not fully know and understand the pressure of the situation. To devote every word you say from the time you open your eyes in the morning to the time you close them at night, would be a definite challenge. Yet, young men go everyday, in hopes of becoming fully converted (themselves) to the gospel, hoping that they will touch those lives that only they were meant to touch, and hoping that all the things they are leaving behind, will be there when they get back.

Two years is a very long time, and can seem even longer when waiting for someone. It's like watching and waiting for the water to boil, in all reality you can pin down an approximate time that the water will always begin to boil, but when watching it, the time seems to slows to a crawl. Currently, I am dating a pre-missionary, one that I love, and would do anything for. I am so excited for him to have this experience, so excited for him to come even closer to God than he already is, and so excited for him to become even more the man I want to marry.

I will admit, that as a senior in high school, it's crazy to already feel like you have found the man you want to be with forever, but I know what I feel. If I was rushing and planning on getting married as soon as I graduated, that would be quite irrational, but this mission provides for me time to find myself, time for me to know, and time to help support him and show him how much I love him. I was thinking about it, and it would be very hard for me to wait for two years, I won't lie. BUT, the more I feel I love him, the easier it gets, and I know that when I go to college (wherever that may be) I can focus on my education. I can throw myself into absorbing all the knowledge I can, that can help better me, and my future.

Sometimes I feel that I am holding him back from fully wanting to go, but I think that in reality, it's his want and desire to KNOW before he goes that he will be diligent, that is his only hesitation, and of all the reasons to hesitate, I know this is one of the more righteous one. He is the most amazing kid, really. I have known him for a little over a year now, and truly the more that I came to know him, the more I realized what an amazing person he was, and could be.

You know those people that you look at, and you just SEE the potential they have? He is one of them. Not the ones that are class president, quarterback, and Mr. perfect GPA, no. I am talking about the one who doesn't have to try to show everyone who surrounds him he cares. I am talking about the one who has been through hell, not for himself, but for others, and has come out a better person then going in. I am talking about the one who knows what he wants to do because he knows he wants to save lives, and touch people in a significant way. I am talking about the one who is so wise, that sometimes I don't think he even sees it. He is the one I am talking about. You see he may look at himself, and say, I dont know how well I can do this, but I look at him and say, Dang, that is one kid who CAN do this, and much more. He has had trials, and if any person, who is listening to a missionary and is wanting to relate to someone, it will be him, an example of overcoming trials. If someone is going to be reached by a missionary, its most likely going to be the missionary who knows what its like to doubt, what its like to feel sad, over the missionary who has had his testimony handed to him his whole life, and hasn't made mistakes and felt the pain of the consequences. There is nothing wrong with either of these missionaries, in fact I applaud the parents who can truly convert their children, and keep them from the world, I am just saying that one is more likely to be of more influence.

There is so much in this world that we can choose to become, to do, and it is a worthy decision to go on a mission. For you future fathers out there, think about how you want to raise your kids. Do you want to raise them, knowing you have a steadfast testimony of this church, knowing that you have stories of times when you have brought other people to the gospel, knowing that you can help them handle anything that comes their way? I think that is the desire, but do we have the desire enough to act on it, and "just do it" (thanks nike). I don't know what exact purpose this post is serving, I just know that what I have said, I feel strongly about.

"Wait For Me" by Theory of a Deadman

You are not alone tonight
Imagine me there by your side
It's so hard to be here so far away from you
I'm counting the days till
I'm finally done
I'm counting them down, yeah, one by one
It feels like forever till I return to you
But it helps me on those lonely nights
It's that one thing that keeps me alive

[Chorus:]
Knowing that you wait for me
Ever so patiently

No one else knows the feeling inside
We hang up the phone without saying goodnight
Because it's the sound of your voice that brings me home
It's never been easy to say
But it's easier when I've gone away

[Chorus:]
Knowing that you wait for me
Ever so patiently
Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having and
It's everything I need from you just knowing that you wait for me

[Bridge:]
What I'd give
What I'd do
Knowing I'm not there for you
Makes it so hard to leave
What I'd give
What I'd do
Anything to get me home to you
And this time I'll stay

And you wait for me
Ever so patiently
Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having and
It's everything I need from you just knowing that you wait for me

what do you do to help? or not?

when i saw this photo, it touched me, i am not sure exactly why, but it did. You look at this man, and you wonder, what got him to this point? was it choices he made that led to this? or has he been this way his whole life? we can also look at this, and his sign and take it in a literal way, or we can take it as a metaphor for how we all feel at one point in our lives or another. we put up all the signs that we will take whatever help is given us. do we recieve what we need? rarely. so there is another point of view. we have those people that we KNOW need help, need a friend, someone to show a sliver of caring, and yet we would rather judge, walk away and claim its not your job to help. I do the same thing, even in a literal sense, when i walk past homeless people on the streets i feel so much empathy for them, so much sadness that i have taken for granted everything that i have, so i ignore them, even if i am spoken to. well, that changes today. it may not be much, but i never keep change with me, i hate it. but from now on i will collect all the change that i just accumilate, and when i see someone on the street, i will give it to them. it is probably not much, but at least its the thought, the willingness to out of my way to attempt to help, that makes all the difference. As much as money, these people need to know that people do care, that they are not all for nothing. you may say, "if you give the homeless money, you are just enabling them, because obviously, they got their because how they spend their money, AKA drugs. he could get a job" well even if that is the case, its not your place to take away the opportunity to let them make their own decisions. When you see someone in the halls, walking with their head down, do you think, "wow i should go talk to them" or do you instantly justify why you are too lazy to risk the awkwardnes with, "well its not like they try to talk to people, its thier fault, they are just sad all the time, theres nothing i can do". its wrong, and even i am guilty of this. but that doesnt mean we cant change. make an effort, it may not be easy or even in your comfort zone, but the good things in life we dont achieve because they are easy, we achieve them because we work hard for them. it may not change the world, or make a huge difference in any body elses life, but it will make a difference in yours, in what kind of person you are.

i get by with a little help from my friends

good friends are like stars, even though you dont see them, they are always there.

i love friends. i have many, and i hope to be one to many more. the one thing about me that i can say with a hint of pride, is that i am the friend to others that i want my friends to be to me. i can talk about anything and everything, or i can just listen when you need it.

recently i recieved a letter from a close friend. he has been away for quite a while (i think a two or three months). but before he left, it was so hard to be there for him, i felt helpless with the problems that he shared with me, and anytime i would try to hang out with him he would most likely blow me of for other things. i wasnt offended, i realized why he was doing the things he was doing, and why he felt the way he felt. nevertheless i couldnt give up on him, i love him, he is my friend, and i wanted to help in any way i could. when he left i cried, i miss him so much. i know its all for the better and i will see him in a bundle of months, but i still miss him, talking to him was always calming with his easy-going personality and advice.

anyway, in this letter he expressed his appreciation for me as a friend, and realized how much he regrets the things that he put before all the people in his life. in his leter i could feel the change that he has made, and even though he is still working to be happy again, i can see the happiness growing into his life again. i remember one night when i knew he needed me most, i made him brownies, and brought them over to his house, then i gave him a hug. its those moments that make a difference. it doesnt matter how much we hang out when everything is fine, it matters when i am there for him when he needs it the most. and thats when he would let me in most of the time, when he NEEDED it.
its amazing how we have best friends, and sometimes we forget how much we miss them until we see them, or talk to them again. i love my friends, and i have so many moments where i take them for granted, and then when i lose them, i feel a gaping whole in my life. i cant stand it. there are those friends that i have done nothing to make them leave, but they left anyway, there are those i pushed away, and then there are those i never intended to be friends with, and yet somehow they come into my life.

and my best friend of all? who is there for me whenever i need it, and even when i dont, trevin. i can tell him anything and he still sees the beauty in me, and i dont get it, and maybe i never will, but i appreciate it so much. i cant imagine ever losing my best friend. thats why i wont.

"With a little help from my friends" -- by the Beatles

What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me.
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,
And I'll try not to sing out of key.
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm,I get high with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends.

Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love.

What do I do when my love is away.
(Does it worry you to be alone)
How do I feel by the end of the day
(Are you sad because you're on your own)
No, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, get high with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, gonna to try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love.

Would you believe in a love at first sight?
Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time.
What do you see when you turn out the light?
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine.
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm I get high with a little help from my friends,
Oh, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?
I just need someone to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
Ooh, I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes I get by with a little help from my friends,
with a little help from my friends

because it's yours.

i sit here, wearing this jacket, because its your jacket.
the soft material warms my skin and i think of you, because its yours.
the reminiscent scent of you in the fabric makes me smile, because its yours.
encircled in this jacket, a metaphor of your arms, because its yours.
the soothing comfort of this jacket, i love, because its yours.
your jacket is a symbol of your heart, because it is yours.
your jacket is a sad attempt to replace how you make me feel, because its yours, not you. Because it is yours, so am i.
i smile through my sadness because i am yours.
i feel beauty and potential because i am yours.
my heart beats on your off-beat because i am yours.
you inhabit almost every thought because i am yours.
i feel the strength i have and that i recieve from othres, because i am yours.
Because i am yours, you are mine :]

Oh Marshall...

"Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for, not the expression, no, literally give an arm for? When they know theyre your heart, and you know you are their armor, and you will destroy anyone who would try to harm her. but what happens when carma, turns right around and bites you, and everything you stand for turns on you to spite you, what happens when you become the main source of her pain?"
-- "When I'm Gone" by eminem

I don't know exactly why I am writing this, or what it means, all I know is that this song came on on my i-pod, and it almost brought me to tears. I think that we all have that one person, or those few people in our lives that we love so much, we think too much, to ever hurt. And yet they are the ones we hurt the most. The mom you dissapoint, the friend you accidentally cross, the sibling you hurt with words that only you know will hurt the most. And when you hurt these people, it hurts you in turn, 10x worse. Seeing the sadness written across their face in whose handwriting? Yours, you even signed it with your beautiful John Hancock. How sad is that? Horribly, but its something that sometimes we can't control. As humans we do things, and don't even CONSIDER what consequences could come of it. But whats even worse is when you know EXACTLY what your consequences will be, and yet the decision is the hardest thing you will ever have to choose (at least so far in your life.)

The last post I wrote, was a quote, no words of my own, and maybe not even my thoughts, because I, myself, cant imaging letting go only to realize I am not wanted like I want this. I guess no one wants to know that, but right now, I know I am wanted, but the question, is it enough? Is it worth it to love whether you know you will be broken? I hope so, because I can't NOT love. Its not in my genetic makeup to not love. But it is in my makeup to hope, so much that my hope is all that keeps me holding on so tight. Keep going.

" If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be."

Alma 48 :17

I have the most amazing boyfriend. One that will bring me anything whenever i need it, one who loves me despite my flaws, one that puts me first even when I tell him not to, one who appreciates every singly smile that I make, every yawn i take, and every expectation that i break. He is the one that makes me feel beautiful in all i am, in all i have become. He is the one that strengthens me enough to overcome sadness, enough to overcome trials, and to truly see my potential. He is the one that is so selfless, and cares genuinely for every "paper cut" that i receive. Every night I thank my God for blessing me with a best friend who will listen to me, who can talk as deeply as I want, who makes me want to perfect myself so that I can be good enough for him. Every night I pray for my best friend, that he will be happy, that i will make the right decisions, that i will help him reach his full potential. He is the one that has so much empathy, he can relate and connect with anyone that he wants to, and he has gone through enough to be able to relate to most sadness's. He is the one that even if he doesn't fully understand, he will try his best. He is the one that lets me laugh about nothing and he will just sit and watch, engagingly absorbing my mood. He is the one that I love so much, that I don't fear being broken, even though it is a wide possibility. He is the one. "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage." The one that gives me courage, and strength. I hope I can do the same for him.

"When I see your smile
Tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out

How this world turns cold
And breaks through my soul
And I know, I'll find deep inside me
I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay

Seasons are changing and waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you, I'll be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

'Cause you're my, you're my, my
My true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away

'Cause I'm here for you
Please don't walk away
And please tell me, you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know, I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever" --"Your Guardian Angel" by the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

'nuff said

+

I would rather drown in deep water, than shallow water.

What is life worth if we take no risks? I look around me, and see so many people that are looking at the next "anti-aging face lotion" or the next plastic surgery, and it makes me sick. When did our world become so shallow? Where is the risk in looking like every other teeny-bopper wannabe mom? There isn't one. Where is the risk in bleaching your hair like all the cheerleaders in hope to attract the same attention? Its not there either. I have been guilty of some of these things, trying to buy clothes to fit in, listening to music that seems to be the "right" kind to everyone else, but me, loathing my body, because it wasnt like... well hers. Then I started to realize that I cant change everything about me, and why should I want to. Why not take the one thing that seperates us as humans, and make the world see how beautiful that is? The two things that make us different than everyone else, is ours physical features, and our thoughts/actions.

Why not enhance the features that we have? We all have beautiful features. You can look at any person for a moment in passing and see an ugly, undesirable human being. But if you got to look up close, maybe you would see gorgeously high cheekbones, or captivating eyes that light up when they smile, or perfect teeth. It is my theory that there is always at least ONE thing that makes each person beautiful. I may not love everything about myself but I can see my beauty through my eyes.

Now, I have been only talking about the skin deep risks, but thats only part of what I see as a problem. I have a question for you guys out there: Is it really attractive to see a girl that acts too stupid to spell her own name? And for the girls: Is it cute to see a guy that treats people like he doesn't care, because he is "too cool"? I think the answers to these questions are fairly obvious, but maybe its not since not many others seems to see it. None of us are ditz's at heart. And ALL of us care, we care a lot, almost too much for our own good. So why not take the risk of showing what you are really thinking, what you are really feeling? Why not share the amazingly complex thought that just popped into your head? I may not be the most DEEP person on the earth, but its really lonely sometimes to feel like I am the only who thinks about things, who acknowlegdes the bad in things without being too pessimistic. If we all put our thoughts out there like we felt like the world needed to hear them, maybe people would listen.

But we are afraid. It always seems to go back to that doesn't it. Well here is one thing that I will say, and its easier said than done, but I did it, so it cant be TOO difficult. If you are afraid to show the people your best friends what you are thinking, how you are truly feeling, who you REALLY are, then leave, find new friends. What is the point in being there if you really don't fit in? If you are scared of persecution from your friends, then what makes them friends? Just leave. There are always other friends to be had. And as I found, they were sitting there waiting for me, waiting for me to realize I can do better.
I used to be afraid. And then I realized how strong I was, how strong every human is. I can take anything high school passes my way. I would rather put myself out there, and be attacked and killed for my depth and personality, than slowly drown in the self-loathing in the shallow depths of a kiddie pool. Its a hard thing, to seperate yourself from what the media seems to be forcing on us, but its not impossible. Take a risk.

Oh the things we learnnnn.....

Today, I resolved a key issue in my life, one that I had caused. We all do things in the moment, things that we know we will regret. And a week or two ago, I followed this pattern to a tee. As much as this embarrasses me, and makes me look lesser in some of your eyes, I hurt someone. Not someone close to me, someone I actually don’t like very much. I had a genuine “mean girl” moment. In passing this person in the all I coughed an undesirable name in her direction. Immature, I know. For the first minute afterwards, it almost felt good to get my opinion out in the open. Unfortunately soon after that I began to feel regret. And even sooner after that the consequences followed. Some unhappy aftermath crashed into me and hurt me probably just as much as I hurt her. Quickly, I realized that I needed to fix the problem. So today I walked right up to her and apologized. She gracefully accepted and things seem to be fine between us. I feel like a burden is lifted, like I don’t have to worry or feel bad anymore.
I also had an epiphany or two today, not happy ones. More of the kind that you remember something that you wished you could just forget? Yeah, those. Life is hard, but I can do this right? Everyone can. Anyway, this is probably my most casual post. I don’t like it, but I wanted to at least let you know that I did the right thing. After of course doing the wrong thing, but still

Shake the Dust.

I found this poem that I really loved the format of, and its performance is even more amazing then the way it is written in merely words alone. Go to http://www.wattpad.com/392468-shake-the-dust-by-anis-mojgani and see it for yourself. I am not the brilliant mastermind behind this piece, not this time. Here goes nothing:

SHAKE THE DUST-

This is for the babies,
for the minimum wage workers of the unions,
for the dogs neglected,
SHAKE THE DUST.
this is for the unreached people,
for the dancers,and the walkers,
for the shy girl who sits alone at lunch observing the peers around her,
Live every moment as if you had lived it so many times it has been perfected into its purest form.
SHAKE THE DUST.
this is for you, mom.
for upcoming musicians,
and for the underpaid electricians.
for the muscular men,
for the strong men that out-do the muscular ones.
this is for the graveyard shift mom who just wants to be home with her kids.
for her boss that employs her.
for the lovers
for the soldiers fearing for their lives every extra second of life they get.
SHAKE THE DUST.
This is for the youngest child,
for the rebellious,
for the inspiring teachers of life,
SHAKE THE DUST.
Learn from those before you, the mistakes you see magnified, learn from the prints in the pavement, compare them to the real thing now.
This is for you,
for me,
this is for the nerds no one recognizes behind the computer screen,
for the lives unlived.
SHAKE THE DUST.
This is for the killers
for the tears shed by those loved ones of the life you took
for the fathers
SHAKE THE DUST.
Listen, hear the words of those who come before you, listen to the emotions behind the lyrics, and listen for the deeper meaning in everything.
This is for the politicians
for the comedians that make light of all thats possible
for the drug users and abusers
SHAKE THE DUST.
Change your lives, the things you know are in need of changing, the things that hurt others, because you know what you do effects everyone around you.
This is for the male nurses,
for the ill,
for the boys told 'be a man, stop crying',
SHAKE THE DUST.
Cry, because you know its okay, because you know something is wrong, cry because you are the minority, cry, because you can.
This is for the 9/11 terrorists
for the firefighters that get cats out of trees,
for the branches of family trees that seem to be burning and crashing down,
for the underdogs,
for the akons of the world, because we put the blame one them
SHAKE THE DUST.
This is for us.

"What a beautiful smile, can it stay for a while? On this beautiful night, We'll make everything right."

Many things have been going on these last few days, maybe even weeks. The same thought, the same decision that we both fear has been at the back of our minds for a long time. And all I can think about is the pain that comes with that thougth. What I havent been thinking about is the fact that it doesnt HAVE to be sad, I cant assume I know what is to happen. Because I dont. It could go my way. But in any case. What right do I have to waste the time that I know I have left, fearing what could be?
I dont. What I now realize is that I need to realize that I can make everything right. There is always a way. And with this, I want to make sure that I find it. I love you too much not too. I wont just let go, not this time, not with you.
You are the one thing that is keeping me so happy and fully content with my life. The one thing that makes me look forward to the next day. The one man in my life I feel I can trust with my life (other than my dad). You are the one thing I REFUSE to lose. I love you.

"Beautiful Love" by the Afters

Far away, I feel your beating heart
All alone, beneath the crystal stars
Staring into space, what a lonely face
I'll try to find my place with you

[chorus]
What a beautiful smile
Can I stay for awhile?
On this beautiful night
We'll make everything right
My beautiful love, my beautiful love

Larger than the moon, my love for you
Worlds collide as heaven pulls us through
The secret of the world is written in the stars
I'm carrying your heart in mine

[chorus]
What a beautiful smile
Can I stay for awhile?
On this beautiful night
We'll make everything right
My beautiful love

Maybe a greater thing will happen
Maybe all will see
Maybe our love will catch like fire
As it burns through me
[3x]

[chorus]

What a beautiful smile
Can I stay for awhile?
On this beautiful night
We'll make everything right
[2x]

My beautiful love
La la la la love
La la la la love

My beautiful
La la la la love
La la la la love

My beautiful love

decisions, decisions....

i miss you so much,
you say your still here,
but you aren't
i feel so alone now.

we talk and continue to talk,
nothing seems to change
i stay the same,
and you do too,
the thick air around us only grows
thicker.

chose me, pick me,
we could do this together,
i dont have to go
i could help you, but
i dont think you want it.

i love you so much
you are what i want most
why is this happening
and what i the outcome?
its up to you.

"I thought I could Fly, I'm stuck on the Ground, so why do I try, I know I'm Gonna Fall Down"

Fear is allowing the thought of what could happen control our thoughts. Thus, allowing our imagination to run away with it. Fear is the reason so much ISN'T, why so much doesnt take place. We don't stand close to the edge of the cliff for fear of falling, and yet in doing so we miss the spectacular views from above. We are reluctant to trust and give our hearts to those we love, for fear that those who hold it will break it, thus breaking us. But in doing so we waste time, and the feeling of being able to share our lives, and trust others. I can't comprehend my potential although it has been told to me many times, for fear that i may not live up to it, that i will fail. I am scared. I am scared to let go of someone, i dont want to, and i dont plan to. but i keep telling myself that i have to. I am scared to say goodbye, for fear that i wont mean it, that i couldnt do it.

Down by Jason Walker

"I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back
And I’m tired of waiting
Waiting here in line,
hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.
I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
Not ready to let go
Cause then I'd never know
What I could be missing
But I’m missing way too much
So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for.
I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
Oh I am going down, down, down
Can’t find another way around
And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.
I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
I never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Oh it’s coming down, down, down."

I'm Scared.

We leave our fingerprints wherever we go, and whatever we do, leaves its prints on us.

Have you ever looked at your father’s hands? If you haven’t, I strongly advise it. What you find may demand respect, rather than ask for it. The calluses, the scars, the wearing down that has taken place, it all tells a story. Maybe his job, maybe hard work in the service of others, from the military, to using his priesthood to heal the weak, who knows? You could.
I know it is no coincidence that the hands are such a key part to all we do, that they are so unique. Not one person has the same hands, the same fingerprints. Everyone uses their hands for different purposes. Its up to us whether that purpose is right or wrong. We leave our fingerprints wherever we go, and whatever we do leaves its prints on us.
The ULTIMATE example of this would be the Savior. Jesus Christ. His hands served as many people as he met, wiped away as many tears as he saw. His hands influenced even those outside those who knew him personally on this earth, all of us. If you don’t believe that Christ is our Savior, the point is still valid that all he did with his hands were selfless, and in service of others. And in the end, his hands showed as proof of his sacrifice for mankind, for you, for me. The marks on his hands symbolize pain that no human being could physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, go through by himself. More than any of us could tolerate.
As of right now, my hands are fairly scratch less, fairly “new”. I hope to change that through serving those around me, through achieving happiness for my future family, though hard work and perseverance. I hope to command respect with my hands one day, just like our fathers and mothers today.

"His Hands" by Kenneth Cope

His hands,

Tools of creation,

Stronger than nations,

Power without end

And yet through them we find out truest friend

His hands

Sermons of kindness

Healing men’s blindness

Halting years of pain

Children waiting to be held again

His hands would serve his whole life though

Showing man what hands might do

Giving, ever giving, endlessly

Each day was filled with selflessness

Ands ill not rest until I make up my hands what they could be

‘til these hands become like those from galilee

his hands

lifting a leper

warming a beggar

calling back the dead

breaking bread, five thousand fed

his hands

hushing contention

pointing to heaven

ever free of sin

then bidding man to follow him

His hands would serve his whole life though

Showing man what hands might do

Giving, ever giving, endlessly

Each day was filled with selflessness

Ands ill not rest until I make up my hands what they could be

‘til these hands become like those from galilee

His hands

Clasped in agony

As he lay pleading, bleeding in the garden

While just moments away

Other hands betray him

Out of greed, shameful greed

And then his hands

Are trembling

Straining to carry the beam that they’ve been led to

As he stumbles through the streets

Heading towards the hill on which he died

He would die

They take his hands, his mighty hands, those gentle hands

And then they pierce them, they pierce them

He lets them, because of love

From birth to death was selflessness

And clearly now I see him with his hands

Calling to me

And though I’m not yet as I would be

He has shown me how I could be

I will make my hands like those from Galilee