The "and's" and "but's" of the world

I am wallpaper,

Accenting the furniture that actually gets touched.

I am the vase,

Holding the flowers everyone marvels at.

I am an the “ands” and “thes” of the world,

Always there but never looked at until the adjectives, nouns, and verbs are taken out of the picture.

I am the pinky finger,

Always next to the ring finger but never there.

I am the alcohol,

That one drinks when “love” didn’t work out.

I am the raisons of the trail mix,

Only eaten when everything else is gone, and people are hungry.

I am alone,

Sitting here in my bed, wishing I was the girl people saw first.

I am praying,

That maybe I can feel that love again for someone.

I am hoping,

That I am not a second thought to everyone who meets me, I’m not the fall back, or the rebound.

I am crying,

Because I don’t know how to be that girl.

I am not that girl,

That attracts attention that commands a room, which pulls at men’s thoughts.

Hear Me Out

I have a beautiful friend, inside and out. She does not see this beauty, and I wish that she did. We all struggle with loving ourselves, and finding what we look at in the mirror as acceptable. It is my personal experience, that when a girl gets ready in the morning, does her hair, her makeup, and gets dressed, she looks in the mirror and for those few seconds that she does, she allows herself to see the beauty that is present. Unfortunately as soon as these girls walk away from that mirror, and out the door, the beauty, or the hope of it is gone, and we are forced to endure the day with less than positive thoughts about ourselves. Is this right? No. Can we change it? Only on a personal basis. I claim my right at this moment to be a hypocrite. To tell my friend, You are beautiful, with the mirror, without the mirror, with the make up, without the make up. You are more than just a body being casually posed on this earth, you are a human, with a spirit and personality. You are Beauty. You are accepted. So for this one moment, I am telling you, to see yourself as everyone else sees you. Even if I don't do this, even if no other girl does, I want you to. I love you, and you inspired me to write this poem.

Beauty Hear Me Out-

Such a beautiful woman,

Such a twisted self-image,

I wish you could see how,

You aren’t really damaged.

People don’t see the ugly,

Because it’s simply not there,

I’m telling the truth,

and the reasons I care.

Your smile is perfection,

I know you see it too,

Your body is perfection,

Perfection for you.

I wish you saw yourself

As people really do,

You’re the beautiful girl,

Guys can’t just walk up to.

Your sweet kind spirit,

And your fiery wrath

Protecting those you love,

Always putting yourself last.

The best friend I have,

The only one I need,

Girl your one special person,

You help me believe.

You’re a beacon of light,

An example of hope,

Your strength pushes you on,

Even when nobody knows.

Rise Back

I'm holding myself back,
Imagining things that I lack,
Maybe not the reality,
Yet he picks up my slack.

I feel so alone, but why?
I ask the tears as I cry,
I know how to heal,
So why don't I?

Life is no longer drifting,
So many things are shifting,
My hearts throbbing,
My minds lifting.

I want that love again,
Rise back from that slump again,
Ready to let it happen,
and to let somebody in.

I need stability,
need the ability,
to feel comfort,
peace and nobility.

Logic passing me by

running and rushing through my veins,
carin' about you is like blood my body contains,
it flows and it goes to its final destination,
no blood to my heart is a fatal combination.

days without seeing you slowly kills my soul,
wanting to be with you is out of my control,
your seeing eyes and your empathetic smile,
gives me the strength to continue on for a while.

Hold my hands gently and please don't let go,
I'm finding myself in ways you don't know,
these dragging years have had their effect,
you show me potential, it makes me reflect.

I'll lift you as high as my arms can extend,
this feeling this love I just can't pretend,
my feet in this water, nervously bound,
I am ready to leap in if it's allowed.

I can feel myself falling, logic passes me by,
all the doubt and the fear tossed to the sky,
running down this pathway through my life,
trying to keep up with what, in my future, lies.

my dearest meganbug

I haven’t written anything for a while; I haven’t felt my normal passion for a while. No passion, no post. But I need to look for the passion, search it out, and build it up. Recently I went on a three week trip across the country, on a bus, with a bunch of high school graduates, sound exciting? Yes. It changed my life, and I am sure I will be writing a lot about it for a few more posts and I share what I have learned and felt. Because that, that has been my passion. After two weeks on this trip I was about ready to come home, I had many great experiences, and I was ready to share them. I had made so many new friends which seemed built on the most pure and deep connections there are. And yet, if that trip had ended in that first moment of homesickness, I would not have met my best friend. Megan. What a blessing she truly has been in my life.

All throughout high school I struggled to find those friends who truly cared, and even when I found them, I often was let down. I looked for deep connections that I could open up with and share anything, and laugh about anything else. Even though it was a bit late, I got the best friend I could have ever asked for. She lives in California, so not ideal distance, but with the help of Skype and my cellular device, and Facebook, I think it work out quite well. We stalk each other on the daily.

Let me tell you a little more about Megan.  She has long brown hair with the most piercing blue eyes I have ever seen. When I first met her, I labeled her as a brat, but it turns out she is just as self-conscious and rough around the edges as I am. Her distant stares come across as deathly glares, and her secret vulnerability written in her angry defenses. She says it’s hard for her to open up her heart to a lot of people, but I don’t think that is her problem, I think she loved everyone initially, and was taught to not trust anyone when they hurt her. I only say this from what I know, and what I know to be true about myself. She is so capable of so many things. Smart, beautiful, classy, sarcastic, fun, hilarious, and loving, is what makes Megan truly one of the most amazing people I have ever met, and been blessed with their true friendship.

Now to Megan, I love you so much. You have no idea the role you have played in helping me, by listening to me, caring about me, and sharing with me. My testimony has been strengthened just by watching you grow throw the past month or so. I don’t ever want you to forget about how important you are to me, and to our heavenly father. You deserve everything good that this earth has to offer, and more. The adversary sees your potential and he is trying with all he has to pull you down, because you can bring so many to this gospel just by your example and love. I could go on about you for years, maybe I will write another post. But I just wanted this out in the open. I love you Megan, you’re truly my best friend.

scott

Scott, your stealing my smiles,

they are on there for you,

i keep on these smiles,

so take all that you choose.

Your doubts are my facts,

and the same goes for you,

you make up for my lacks,

give me someone to turn to.

How can i learn to keep?

what i have never been able,

lost friends and memories,

been given a broken label.

Misperception of your reflection,

I see so much more than them,

through your words  feel the tension,

so smile at me and know that when

You need me I'll be waiting,

I'll help you through the pain,

through the expectations of going,

whatever I lose I hope you gain.

The healing I'm feeling
The pain its revealing 
Brings images, memories 
And dark hidden feelings 

I'm fighting this war inside 
 I struggle to say alive 
I stab and I beat and I will defeat 
This monster commendeering my mind

To the surface it rises 
I struggle, it still rises
Release the pain and let it go
tears begin a heavy flow

Sudden lightness ensues 
It brightens and renews 
This weight is now soaring 
My mind left imploring 

Dear souls so close to me
Make anxiety and sadness leave
No longer alone in my silence 
Words spoken and woken in side us 

I'm fighting this war inside 
 I struggle to say alive 
I stab and I beat and I will defeat 
This monster commendeering my mind

I don't know how to write

I don't know how to write, My muse,
my inspiration, Said goodnight,
then he turned out the light.
I feel dark, why is it so light?

You say that you don't love me
Why don't you try to love me,
We all make mistakes please
someone to come and hug me

The one thing to inspire me was you,
And now your gone. And my desire
Is still here, a burning fire you try to douse
with my tears from when I cry

where did it go? My will to scribble,
My pen and paper, are in a dribble,
Go for that hoop To remind
me, of when I was little

I would dream of my knight in
Scrounged clothing, but still glowing
I would dream of my rescue and
Ohhhh How I would love him

Now that I'm older, I'm so much older
I realize that it's deceiving To think he is
coming, I have to chase him Track him down
and embrace him Because when I do I will wake up

From this nightmarish he'll that engulfs me
It cuts,  and threatens and  it pulls me
Apart. This hazy downward spiral that Pulls me,
my prince will teach me how to let go and be free

for one day this unrequited love will not be,
and your lack will not drive me
And I will have HIM standing by me,
And you'll happy, or just me

A Glimpse

My friend Patrick wrote me a son that almost brought tears to my eyes. Such beautiful lyrics and a wonderful melody on your guitar to accompany it. I am not near the prodigy that you are, my skill is still raw and under developed but I wrote you this poem :) thank you so much for being there for me swayze.

Your kind sweet words are received, 
On the surface of my burnt tongue
I wish and hope for the faith to believe 
Like would when I was so young 

Beautiful skill, and amazing depth 
Strength to hold two, and love
claiming that I came in when everyone left
An angel To rescue you from above

The words of your songs inspire, and set fire
Emotions and feeling that show a lil bit of you 
A glimpse of you brings me a lil bit higher, 
And you are as a foundation for us two 

Recent bruises and cuts aren't healing 
You try to repair me, I can do it tho
All the pain and sadness I am feeling,
You're bringing me higher than my all time low

You see the me I want to be and be seen,
You make me special like I haven't been  for a while
A smile you bring, and it's a smile you leave,
We pray these moments are worthwhile.

A little more than sorry.

The words I form cannot express 
What I mean to say, you take for less. 
My Apologies and your silent scorn are tied
You won't relent to me though I have tried 

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I let my heart break 
And lashed out at the source of my ache 
I knew this would happen and the end was the start
Now you resent me with an unforgiving heart 

forgotten kisses and half-hearted wishes
Cannot begin to heal us, and this is 
Too hard to recover without losing you 
But I can't give in, I can't lose you.

Attraction may be gone, love may be dead
 If its true all I want is what you said
Your friendship to me, means the world
Unrequited feelings keep us in a quarrel 

Do you want me to stop this, Disappear?
If you tell me, will I even want to hear? 
I don't, i want to be there for you again,
And you for me, can't we just be friends? 

Misunderstandings and tension poison us both
Arguments and revenge you know how it goes
You know how to Hurt and love me best,
I'm sorry I can't just put us to rest.

Beautiful Wanderer

This one is for a special friend of mine. I love her so much. you are one of the most amazing people I know. You are so strong all the time, I just want you to know you don't have to be, i am here, and I'll help you in any way I can. But don't forget god, he loves you and will help you through whatever you can't tackle yourself.

The battle between your heart and mind is at length
but you don't see Your own beauty and strength,
Your eyes can pierce the saddest soul, and heal the lonely heart, 
Your words can soothe the anxiety from the sins of a broken heart,

When you cry yourself to sleep. I see, I see.
When you hurt yourself in spite, I feel, I feel.
I can hear your heavy whispers of worthlessness, and i think I think

Oh beautiful little wanderer,  
Your life is so much more, 
So much more, 
Than you can imagine. 
 
The road you travel is lonely but your not alone,
I'm here trying to help you love your own home,
Though you refuse to see, they love you 
You push them away when they try to

When you cry out for help when hope is lost i hear i hear
When you suffer through the pain in silence i cry I cry
I can taste your bitter tears of hate, and I wish that I could make you see, 

Oh beautiful little wanderer,  
Your life is so much more, 
So much more, 
Than you can imagine. 

Oh love, the scars on your wrists are deep,
Relationships that hurt you too much to keep, 
a beautiful thing to wander, don't forget to return
Don't let yourself forget, let your light burn

When you cry yourself to sleep. I see it, I see.
When you hurt yourself in spite, I feel it, I feel.
I can hear your heavy whispers of worthlessness, and i think I think

Oh beautiful little wanderer,  
Your life is so much more, 
So much more, 
Than you can imagine. 

moving my mountain

Many, if not all of us, have heard the saying that we can “have faith to move mountains”.  When I was little, I took that so literally, wishing I had the faith to do such an impossible task. Even though we get older and we begin to see it as a metaphor, I think we still feel that it is impossible faith to perform impossible miracles. At least I have thought that, until today. I experienced a paradigm shift. We all have mountains in our lives, ones that seem almost impossible to overcome. For some maybe their mountain is drug abuse, maybe its depression, maybe its loneliness, maybe for you its teen pregnancy, or a family death. No matter the mountain, we all know what ours is. The problem usually isn’t identifying the problem, its finding a solution to it. These mountains in our lives I think we know are possible to overcome, but I think we feel overwhelmed and settle for less. This is when the faith comes in. I don’t care if you don’t believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints; I don’t care if you don’t believe in a God all-together, if you have faith enough to know you can overcome your trials, and move your mountains, you can. I wish I knew how to have perfect faith in my abilities, and even as I write, I realize that I know very little about this. The fact is, I still have to build this “faith” because I am clearly not perfect. I need to move this mountain though, and I think one of the ways to do it, is to help others move theirs. Maybe the real meaning behind the phrase is that you don’t have to move it by yourself. I have already began to lift this mountain on my back, and in the process of losing faith, it is breaking me. I am exhausted from this weight. I know the solution, now I just need to do it. And find the right people to help me. My mountain will be moved, far far away.

I'm sorry.

My dearest ex-FHTB,

Yesterday I took a detour, dang all this construction. On this detour I saw many moments in our past that evoked a very nestolgic mood for the next hour. Passing the park where we would lay next to a creek, and play in the water, laugh, and when you would kiss me gently, I couldn't help but feel emotions I cannot begin to explain. Sadness, yes, but happiness was in there somewhere too. Somewhere. I passed that church parking lot where we ran into that possy of girls on their scooters haha and I couldn't help but smile and shake my head at that embarrassing experience. So many moments that had passed and left a huge effect on my heart. I am trying so hard to push past the bitterness, I promise you I am trying. But if you remember the day you broke up with me, when we were just talking, sitting in your car, frustration illustrated on our faces. I told you, I would push you away before I could be your friend again. I told you that. Remember? The other day when the sun was out and shining I sat on my front porch like we used to do so frequently, and just talk, share things. The times that tears would flood to my eyes and you would wipe them away as they approached my cheeks. The stars oh I remember the stars more than anything, and I smile at the cliche occurrence of the evening of our first date :) I am telling myself more and more that although happy moments come to an end and regrets surface, the sadness cannot take away the significance, and the beauty of those moments. You may not love me anymore, you may not care anymore, but at least I know you did. And that you have shown me love, in the purest way you knew how, and it made me feel it, and feel beautiful, for you. I remember when you were on the phone with your boss, and I kept interrupting ha, good times. I don't know exactly why I am writing this to you. When I talk to you lately I don't get much out of you, so I guess I want you to know how I feel. I forgive you. I wish we could be friends, and I wish that you were here, or talked to me at all. I'm not begging for you to take me back, I'm just asking that you know that I still care, and I only regret ONE thing that came between us. Thank you for showing me I can be beautiful, and thank you for loving me

I can't find you anywhere

I lay here in my bed,

Contemplating all the things you said,

About how you’d always be there,

Well I can’t find you anywhere.

All of the empty promises you whispered,

Into the ears of what I desired,

I wanted you here with me,

I wanted you with me.

I wish that I could loath you,

Rather than love you,

I wish I could let go of you,

You loved me best, now you’re gone,

Without you I’d rather be alone.

If you saw the tears I’ve shed,

Cold and alone in my bed,

I thought that you would care,

Try to help the pain I can’t bare.

I wish that I could loath you,

Rather than love you,

I wish I could let go of you,

You loved me best, now you’re gone,

Without you I’d rather be alone.

I just want to let you know,

I’m gonna have to let you go,

Have to move on with my life,

Forget about the you and I,

I wish that I could loath you,

Rather than love you,

I wish I could let go of you,

You loved me best, now you’re gone,

Without you I’d rather be alone.

I lay here in my bed,

Contemplating all the things you said,

About how you’d always be there,

Well I can’t find you anywhere.

"you make breaking hearts so easy, seems like you have done this before."

It's always hard when you go through a break up. How could it ever be easy? Well maybe when you are the one doing the breaking it can be. I am having a particularly having a hard time letting go of this last guy. Not going to lie, he had me convinced he loved me. And for the first time in a long time I began to trust again, began to feed into that same lie that maybe this one won't hurt me. As much as I want to say I have no regrets from this relationship, I do. I guess you should never let yourself care more about your companion more than they love you. That's the only way I figure that you can avoid heartbreak the way I am feeling right now. To be honest out of all of my relationships I have only ended one. But we were not particularly serious. I don't know what that is saying about me. And no matter how many breakups I have gone through I still have no idea how to handle it correctly. Now don't get me wrong, I don't expect every relationship to last forever; that would be highly ignorant of me. But it doesn't hurt to hope that maybe one guy will end it in a way that is not betraying, not bullshitting, and not insensitive. I am talking about the:
"let's just be friends"
"let's take a break" 
"I want to be your best friend, I'm not lying"
"it's just too hard" 
"I am doing this for you" 
"I still love you" 
"it's my fault no yours." another form of " it's not you Its me"
All of the above I am sure look familiar to anyone who has been broken up with. These messages to me are just as genuine  as the self proclaimed popular kid at school saying "call Me" and not leaving his number in your year book. I may sound bitter and right now? I am. But to be honest, it's also just realistic and logical. How many guys or girls that you have dated said these things, and actually followed through? Very few. 
So how do you handle a break up? I wish I knew the answer and could help even myself with that one. But I can't. Right now I am very alone. I talk to no one about how I feel, and yet a lot of my friends can see the pain in my face, Sense the  sadness behind my status'. But how many ask me about it? Want to talk about it? Very few. I guess I can't blame them, it's their personality. But not even my family knows or cares. Breaking down into tears "randomly", with obligation in their eyes asking "are you okay?" I say " yeah I'm fine, nothings wrong" then what come next? No coaxing, no coercing. Silence. I guess I should get used to that. 

3/17/11 2:04 am

Here are the moments

The moments I so dread

The moments that you said

Would never happen, but I bled

I always sit in these moments

And I feel sadness and weakness

I feel lack and worthlessness

These moments are fearlessness

I cherish these moments

The rare ones that show hope

Unseen strength takes over and I know

I can do this and I can move on

I can move on from the moments

Of regret and the longing for redo’s

Winds that seem impossible to push through

Thoughts that I can’t make it without you

And here are those moments

When I move on, stand up and walk

My heart in my hand and securely locked

Once I do, you can no longer talk

So I cheer on these moments

I embellish and I invite them

Remind ‘em, they aren’t forgotten

Little hope is better than not, and

I hope these moments are real

Because I can’t help but question

If I should feel any less than

Beautiful, better off, and amazin’

ehhhhhh

its really hard to write lately guys, i just am having a hard time being inspired. usually when i am depressed and down i have an endless supply of dreadful poems, and bitter notes. not so much anymore. i have been trying to write, almost everyday, and its just not working out, nothing in my life is happening that makes me want to produce words that can evoke emotion. i am finally doing things for me, maybe a little selfish but its felt nice for a while. but the more i do for myself, the more people are upset with me. the more i try to smile through this pain, the more havic comes into my life. so what am i trying to live for?

impossible notes

its pathetic, i know. but i write to you, when i remember things, when i think of you, when i cry, when i want you back, when i want to scream and yell at you. i pull out my i-touch, and i type away, words of regret, words of wisdom, and stupidity, but mostly words of sadness. i will never ask, i will never beg for you to take me back, i wish i didnt have to. i wish that you cared like i do.i wish i could send these broken notes your way, and have you understand my thoughts, but these are the few things i am in control of now. so many things i wish, and remember is one of the most common words in my vocabulary. i remember when you could fix any pain i had. now your just creating it by the black holes sucking my life away. im gonna make like the cliche and somehow survive. even though it seems impossible.

Explore THIS :]

I wanna see the back of your head

as you walk away defeated

i wanna see that smirk on your face

wiped off and out of this place

take your dirty hands

and explore my front door,

then take your wandering eyes,

n' watch my hand wave goodbye.

Dont look at me for any lovin

there are plenty pushin and shovin

i wont waste my time with your games

so sad, too bad, such a shame

take your dirty hands

and explore my front door,

then take your wandering eyes, 

n' watch my hand wave goodbye.

You talk as if you know me,

and act as if to show me,

that i would be the lucky one

to get you when the day is done

take your dirty hands

and explore my front door,

then take your wandering eyes, 

n' watch my hand wave goodbye.

so this is it, no more joking,

im done with all your groping

its time for you to go

and move on, so...

take your dirty hands

and explore my front door,

then take your wandering eyes, 

n' watch my hand wave goodbye.

cuz i dont wanna see your face,

don't try to plead your guilty case

amnesia

Remember the nights I stayed up all night crying? The time I wrote words just to keep my soul from dying? Remember all I did for you, the things I gave up hoping? The silent sacrifices keeping me from coping? Remember the tears I shed, the prayers I whispered to help me help you? The words I wrote the songs I sang in silence just for you. Remember the night I sat in silence, pondering listening for answers? They never came, and I’m to blame, I should have found those answers. Remember the fights I fought in your defense? I never relent. Remember remember, all that I gave, my heart, my love, my strength, all for you, all for us. You don’t remember, because you’re gone, and I’m here, standing alone in a storm of the mess you left me in.

1am

The pain is unreal. I lay here wondering if your thinking about me. I’m thinking about you. Non-stop. Is that okay? Remembering all the beautiful lies you told me. Remembering all the beautiful moments we shared. Remembering all of the beautiful kisses and the beautiful bonds we held. You threw me away and all I do is love you more. Whispers of disappearing, I play strong with a façade of apathy masking my screams for help. You leave. Why did you leave? I can’t take nothing but I want all. You say you want neither but I know you don’t want me at all. Obligations bring us close after you sever my heart and the pathetic tie is dying. Letting it die is so easy. Because in the lyrics of every song I hear the absence of your voice and your promises fall. In every kiss I taste the absence of your lips. In every couple I see the absence of what we were. For you? Or me? No matter, the pain is the same.

out of this hell

a constant flow of tears,

in attempt to resolve these fears,

your words offer little to calm me,

in fact all they do is harm me.

continuing on with your day,

because now your permitted to play,

i am trapped in my heart

wondering why you want to part.

i struggle to gather myself,

pull myself out of this hell,

you ease through the nights,

my muffled sobs, i try to keep quiet.

your excuses filling my ears,

confirming my many fears,

the truths fill my heart

thus tearing it apart.

a cast for your heart, i aided,

now healed and no longer needed

i love, and cry for you,

hoping deep down you hurt too.

wading into life

wading deeper into life,

baring all pain and strife,

not willing to settle for defeat,

disappointment lapping at my feet.

running, wading, away from this,

I try to escape it, evade the hits,

I know that only I can fix,

I can change it, and smile again.

the one thing I love is fading fast,

I'll try to recover and make it last.

I will fight, and kick and bite and shove,

to show you that you're the one that I love.

running, wading, away from this,

I try to escape it, evade the hits,

I know that only I can fix,

I can change it, and smile again.

I can make it my own, 

I can take it alone,

I don't have to do this

he will help me through this.

running, wading, away from this,

I try to escape it, evade the hits,

I know that only I can fix,

I can change it, and smile again.

running, wading, away from this,

I try to escape it, he takes the hits,

I know that together we can fix,

we can change it, and smile again.

I LOVE TO SEE THE TEMPLE. I'M GOING THERE SOMEDAY!

one in twenty is not misread

as I approach the path,

it takes me by surprise,

for an instant I can see,

at the end, what lies.

the turns of disappointment,

the curves of sadness,

all stem from lack of treatment,

for the times with no lack is gladness.

the stretches of loneliness seem the longest,

are usually the shortest in reality,

I face the days with my strongest,

crush my weakness with my actuality.

not every word I right inspires,

its the way they are said,

they can only admire,

if one in twenty is not misread.

tears founded on nothing relevant

It's hard, to know what you are thinking,
even harder to fix how I am thinking.
your busy.
Its okay.
I am glad you are
the mixed emotions lead to nothing
and lonelyness leads to passion for those who aren't
past experiences strangling me
turning me against what I love,
and what I now hate.
stop.
It's not true
I know
do I?
my head screams, telling me this
isn't right.
yet the luring whisper of my heart
reports the confirmation of this pain
this sadness.
shake me
hit me
yell please
I want to be wrong,
I know its wrong.
look at me
a masochistic battle within myself
constantly ripping,
tearing
prying
cutting me to pieces
smile at me, so I can try
try to believe it, I promise
I will try.

Comatose (skillet)

"I hate feeling like this
I'm so tired of trying to fight this "
The faint sound of rain tapping on the windshield, begging me to come back to my reality, teasing me with a bit of simplicity. My mind is somewhere else.
"I'm asleep and all I dream of
Is waking to you
Tell me that you will listen
Your touch is what I'm missing"
The tears in my eyes threatening to run down my cheeks and steal your attention. One side of the fight inside me yells and screams for you to notice so that you can wipe them away, the other prays that you will not notice my sly attempts to make render myself tearless.
"And the more I hide I realize I'm slowly losing you
Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you
I don't wanna live
I don't wanna breathe
'les I feel you next to me
you take the pain I feel"
The words to this song are killing me, making me cry harder. The thought of losing you, the thought of not being with you haunts my mind, and torments my heart. This very intimidating, yet real fact dangles over my conscience. I can feel your eyes searching the side of my face, trying to find a trace of what you secretly suspect. No tears are in view, and yet we are both sadly aware of their presence.
"Waking up to you never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wanna dream
'cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
Waking up to you never felt so real"
The words in perfect sequence, and in the most precise tones to seduce the pain out of hiding. The sting of the inevitability is renewed as you pull over the car.
"I hate living without you
Dead wrong to ever doubt you
But my demons lay in waiting
Tempting me away
Oh how I adore you
Oh how I thirst for you
Oh how I need you "
The interrogation begins with "Paige, what's wrong?" and is followed by long silence. "Nothing." You are staring me down, searching my face, trying to figure out what is troubling the mind of your love, as if it could be written on my face for only your convenience. I want to just tell you how much I love you, and it would make your night. I know that. But it would hurt me, I know that too.
"Breathing life
Waking up
My eyes
Open up
Oh how I adore you
Waking up to you never felt so real
Oh how I thirst for you
Waking up to you never felt so real
Oh how I adore you"
If you only knew. Your hands pull my face to look at you, and though I want to turn away, I don't. Because I love you. If you only knew how much I just wanted to run with you from everything, everyone. If you only knew how I love you. Staring back into your curious eyes a tear runs down my cheek. "Paige, what is wrong, please tell me." As the conversation continues it goes no where. I know you know my thoughts, you know all too well. And yet you sit there, bright-eyed, unscathed. I admire your strength, how you hold it in, keep it up, and stay alive.
"The way you make me feel
Waking up to you never felt so real"
The rain drops on the windshield keep on rapping, and I try to acknowledge the outside world. Because outside of this car, this universe, nothing matters to me. As you pull back onto the road, I watch you. I love you. I just hope that this feeling of losing you doesn't last. Or I wont.

not unconscious yet

 I am tired, way too tired to be awake,

 my head, my throat, and my heart all ache.

 its hard to keep my eyes open and alrert

 its weary to attempt to numb the hurt.

I am tired, much too tired to function,

a difficult experience spending lunch in-

the library is quiet, but cannot silence my thoughts

loud, obnoxious, relentless, tie my heart in knots.

I am tired, but extremely alive for a girl-

who's dealing with the death of her world,

her eyelids droop with the scent of defeat,

tempted to give in, but needs to fill this sheet.

I am extremely tired, but readily resilient,

this embodiment of my sickness will not relent

she stabs, and clenches at my neck,

hoping that from all this I wont come back.

I am exhausted, and yet i will live,

with the help of all of my support who give-

all they can to keep me on my feet,

encouraging words, reminding me, this story is not complete.

"And to the rest of the world, god gave you the shoes That fit you, so put em on and wear em And be yourself man, be proud of who you are Even if it sounds corny, Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful "

the first step is to admit it

I am struggling. There I said it. Happy? I'm not. Well not really. I am not going to bash anyone, because that is not why I write, or why I have a blog. I will say that I am in pain from the things that are surrounding me. As I have written in this blog, I have talked a lot about overcoming depression and how you just have to do it. So I am going to do it. I am going to kick this, I can't let it drag me down again. It's getting there though. I have my closest friends that still care, and have my back. Chris is amazing, always there to talk, and always makes me feel so good. I try to help him and in turn it helps me too. He really doesn't understand what an amazing guy he is, and how true a friend he is. I appreciate all he does for me. Then there is Trevin, what can I say that hasn't already been said? You are so good to me, and lately I have been... I don't know, I guess a little moody, or emotional, but you don't care. You try to help me through it, and don't mind me crying, in fact you encourage it, so that I am not alone crying. I have so many other friends, that I rarely hang out with, and yet they help me so much. My newest, and yet oldest good friend is back, and it is nice, but I have had to make an exchange to get that friendship back. Currently its hurting, but it helps that he cares. I love my friends, and even though I am struggling, I will make it. I will not be a "what could have been", I will be "victorious through my trials". My family gets the brunt of me a lot of the time, and for that I am so sorry. I am trying guys.

my right of passage : high school

Most cultures have a right of passage, or at least something similar. A right of passage is a ceremony, or a trial structured for you to pass into maturity, or the next stage of life, IF you make it. If you return successful and alive, you gain the respect of the adults, and the right to progress in your life. In some cultures its a "hunt", others its a journey to find yourself, and in the good old US of A? We have high school. A place disguised with the "purpose"of an education. When in reality it is a place to make or break pretenders. Because in high school, we are all pretenders. We all put on our "I really don't care." masks after our clothes and make up in the morning. We walk down the halls, chins up, volume up, masking the fact that we are all scared out of our minds.  Our radars blaring showing us the way to go to escape that crazy ex-girlfriend, that one guy you made out with last week, that best friend that is neither best or a friend anymore. High school is full of tests: mental, emotional, and social, with a backdrop of academics. This right of passage can cause death and defeat, but requires no physical activity. It can make you larger than life if you have the right groupies, the right clothes, and the right strings. It is a great and terrible place for me, high school is my personalized hell constructed for my despair only. So this morning I woke up, and TRIED not to look beautiful for beauties sake, but to give no one reason to pick on me, make fun, or stare. I woke up, got dressed, and headed out the door, displaying a weaker mask then I have had to deal with in a long time. Tomorrow I will wake up, go through my routine, and exist. I will pretend because right now in my life, there is nothing for me, but air and "school".