i have been thinking about you a lot lately, and to be perfectly honest, i feel quite guilty. when you started to get really sick, i didnt come over and visit you as much. i think part of me was scared to see you in that state, and scared that i couldnt keep my composure. but the other part? i regret and am embarrassed to say, i think i was lazy. i have finally admitted it. and it feels horrible even more to type it than to think about it, and i bet even more to say it. i am sorry. you were my hero, going strong for so long when the doctors gave you such little time. susan, after you passed it felt so sureal for so long, i couldnt quite come to grips with it, i had only once before seen death so close up. then when it finally hit, you never left my mind. i have a picture in memory of you on my wall of random things, i made a documentary that highlighted you and your fight with cancer, and i even think about you when i see your kids. susan, the bracelets you made me, for my birthday and for i think christmas, are some of the only jewelry i will wear. even though they break on occasion, i fix them. i guess all i am trying to get from this letter is a little bit of closure, to put my feelings out there so maybe it will help me heal a little bit more. susan, you were one amazing person, and in the song, "hear you me" the lines that read " and if you were with me tonight, i'd sing to you just one last time, a song of a heart so big, God wouldn't let it live" . may angels bring you in, i miss you, but i know i will see you again someday.
until then,
paige marie loudon
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