epiphany

yesterday i was told by a dear friend that my writing is so dark. And that drove me crazy, not because emotion in your writing is bad, it isnt, it helps your audience connect with your piece. What made me angry about this was the fact taht i am happy and i am still writing the same as when i was depressed. Its almost like my mind can escape my past, but my writing (my outlet) cannot. but the more i thought about it, i realized i dont need to escape, i am not trapped by my depression anymore. I am free and happy.
i realized that we are all given our set of trials, experiences that we have to go through, and some of us have similar ones, and some have very uncommon ones. either way, we have to figure out how to overcome and succeed in the end. and what do we do with that knowledge when we succeed? sometimes, we don't do anything, and thats when we dont learn from the past and we are doomed to repeat it. what we should do is share that knowledge with others, help others who share the same hardships with you, help them escape them and solve them.
So that is why i write with my past in between the lines, i write to help others. because in our world today, almost everyone can relate to sadness. i will help in anyway i can, anyone who struggles with it, because its a fight no one should have to go through. but we do anyway. and so why not help?
i dont, and i wont change how i right, because it is part of who i am and what defines me. i love myself. and i will continue trying to show emotions through my writing, happy and not. i love you all.

This I believe: Angels Walk Among Us.

As a girl in my early teens, I struggled with my self-esteem, and ultimately my depression. There were things, situations, and events in my life that made me feel this way about myself. And it seemed as if my depression was an ever-hovering demon that would haunt me for life. I would walk down the halls at school, feeling everyone’s penetrating gaze looking right through me. My life was inconsequential, it didn’t matter to anyone but me.

Then one day it seemed that the pain, the sadness, and the wanting to disappear became too much for me to ignore, too much to bear. Tears streaming down my face I left my house, without informing my parents, I started to walk down the road. Heaving, sobbing, attempting to pull myself together, I didn’t know where to go. All I knew was what horrible disappearing act I wanted to accomplish. Bargaining with the lord, I challenged him. If you love me, if you want me to continue to live, show me somehow. Please.

Just then, a car stopped in the middle of the road, parked, and a boy got out. This boy I had only known for a few years, but we wouldn’t be considered friends. He was popular, I was not. He was funny and outgoing, I was not. And yet, here he was concern written on his face, and walking towards me with his arms wide open. After the embrace the words that I so desperately needed, “You are amazing Paige, you can get through this. Crap happens.” He didn’t even ask me what was going on, he didn’t need to know.

After that he asked if I needed anything and then drove off, a knight into the sunset of my memory. As I continued on, the purpose of my walk changed. No longer was it a walk of shame, of final words and thoughts, but it was a walk of enlightening, blessings, and realization. I went home, and a lot about me changed. One person, one conversation, changed my life. Forever.

I learned many things that day, I was worth living, I can do hard things, shit happens, and that angels walk among us. I know it. God can’t go around making miracles, so he sends us, as humans to people. God works through us, to help make this hell of a life, just a little bit better. My friend, My angel, saved my life.

A tribute: to a best friend.

So many times I have needed a friend (not my mom) to be there for me, talk to

me, understand and listen to me. This friend treated me like I treat him, like an amazing

friend. You were always that someone. Since sophomore year in driver’s education, we

have been friends, we just clicked. I don’t know if it was your funny sense of humor, or

the fact that we could talk about basically anything, but we became best friends.

Many nights, you would come pick me up at my house, and we would drive

around forever, just talking about anything and everything. Our problems seemed so far

away because we were right there, not boyfriend/girlfriend, there was no pressure, just

two best friends, being ourselves. Eventually, we would park, and continue talking till

curfew. Sometimes we would even go get you food, you’re a growing boy. Those are the

nights I miss so much. Just sitting there, knowing that I had someone that would always

be there for me no matter what.

You were there when no one else was. You would listen to me whine about life,

about the other friends that WEREN’T there. But I never told you about how amazing the

one friend that WAS there was. Maybe that’s what happened. Maybe that’s why you

pushed me away, stopped calling, stopped being there. Things happened that we couldn’t

control. We both handled it wrongly, but you don’t seem to want to share the blame.

You would sit there and hug me; we had days where we just didn’t go to class

when you needed me, when I needed you, when we needed each other. When we both

just needed to cry, or someone to hold on to. I remember telling you that you were worth

more than any girl I know, and its true, but for some reason I feel like I didn’t make it

known to you. You are more than “just a farmer” you are a funny, lovable,

understanding, patient, protective, I could go on.

You are one of those guys that makes anyone feel safe, secure, and

amazing. I remember one time when a guy hurt me, I had to try to hold you back from

hurting him. You care so much, you will protect any of your friends.

You always told me that you would stay my friend no matter what, if someone

made you try to choose, you wouldn’t, because we were best friends. I thought you were

being honest. Now I see that maybe it was just something temporary.

In any case, I am glad that I had the time, the friendship, the opportunity to have you

there for me and I for you. You were my best friend, and if you wanted that again, you

know that you could always come back. I miss you, and you are the perfect example of

what every teenager needs. This, is for you.

who's hurting? i am.

while talking to my old friend today, i was genuinely hurt. blamed for things that we both did to hurt someone else, he sat across from me. Not on my side, like he always claimed he would be, but against me, almost as a threat. As he spoke about what i am doing wrong, as he told me how i need to change, how i need to grow up because he has, i couldnt think straight to give him anything but "i dont know what you want me to do." maybe i am the reason our best friendship failed, but thats not because i stopped trying, its because he did. he wouldnt answer phone calls, messages, texts, would barely say hi to me in the hallways at school. trying so hard to be a part of his life, i put myself out there, saying hi to those i dont like, being kind to those i cant stand, and what do i get? not a friend. a slap in the face for being supportive to him, and not the girl he hated at the time. i wanted to cry and scream at him how he was the person who walked away from me, who wouldnt let me in, the one who was two-faced in what happened, that he was the one that i was looking out for, and he left anyway. so what am i supposed to do? he always said it would always be me (his best friend) he would choose if he had to between us. and he lied. i think he stopped talking to me because he knew what he chose was wrong, and he knew that i would be honest enough to tell him so. so this is me, not giving up, no matter how much i want to. this is me, hurting, because i am. yet, here i go, i am going to show him that i am not going anywhere, that i am one person that will not leave when he needs them, one person who will be there to talk to, let him cry on me, let him rage at me to let out his anger and outrage for someone else. so you may say i made her hurt. but it was for you, and now who is hurting? i am.

It's true.

How many of you can say that you have someone that is ALWAYS there for you, always has comforting words to sooth your troubled heart, always gives you gifts for no apparent reason, and sometimes even when you don't deserve them? Well TECHNICALLY we can all say that we do, but I try to strengthen my relationship with this someone, this friend, as much as possible. And yet, even I take them for granted. My Savior, Jesus Christ, is this someone. Through the last few months of my life, I have really put most things into perspective. I have learned how to be happy, genuinely happy, with my life, and where I am. I feel like I am doing the right things, finally, I feel approval. Now, I am human, I do make mistakes, but I repent and make those things right. I guess thats one thing that I love about this gospel, one thing that I utelize most in this gospel. "The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing."--John Powell. I think it has been too long since the last time I wrote about my testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
I KNOW this church is true.
I KNOW that Heavenly Father knows me and loves me personally.
I KNOW that Jesus suffered for every single sin I make, and not only did he do that but he felt every pain, every sorrow, every illness, every regret, everything and anything.
I KNOW that the Holy Ghost can be with me wherever I go if I do the right things to keep him there.
I KNOW that my family can be together forever.
I KNOW that the priesthood is the strongest power on the earth, stronger than any army or counrty.
I KNOW that the power of Satan is real, and strong.
BUT EVEN MORE SO I know that I am stronger than Satan.
I KNOW that I have the potential to have Worlds of my own.
I KNOW that I am a daughter of God.
I KNOW Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, the only one who had the power to restore this church on the earth today, and the one who saw God the Father and His Son in a vision.
I KNOW that there is no truer church on this earth.
AND I KNOW that God created this earth.
This may sounds like a simple testimony of what I know, but its just as real, just as true as anyone elses, only from me instead of you. I love this gospel, and I dont know how I would survive without it. Happiness would be almost unachievable. With the help of my Family, Friends, and other loved ones, I have been strenghtened in the church. I love you guys so much!

Love says in reply...

When talking to Love we talk about everything, we talk about the future, we talk about the feelings (aka love), we talk about fear, we talk about decisions. Love tries its hardest to keep from crying, from showing, so-called, "weakness". I look into Loves eyes and realize a lot of things. When I try to comfort Love, it squeezes my hand even tighter, when I try to advise Love, it embraces every word that spills out of my mouth. Love looks at me while I battle with myself, while try to find the words. I had to explain to Love what I have to do if... what we can't be... if... Love hates that word. IF. I hate that word too. A decision has to be made, and Love knows this, and yet neither of us want to. This decision could change the outcome of many lives, I dont like that, Love. Love has so much, maybe too much Influence. Love says there are no words to describe what it feels, I feel the same, and yet there are words: "I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like." --Eminem. It feels like happiness, like the world can't keep you from smiling. It feels like the burning, the yearning for the other. If feels like breathing, it's necessary. It feels like adrenaline, rushing through my veins. Love feels like Beauty, inside and out. It feels like inevitability. It feels like selflessness.
I look at Love and say, "Things don't always turn out the way we want them, things may not turn out perfect."
And Love says in reply, "That doesn't mean the definition of perfection wont change."

"Detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That is how you leave it."

For anyone who has read the book Tuesdays with Morrie, you know that this is Morries method to being able to leave the emotions we feel behind so that we can experience others. Yesterday, in my opinion, I havd a very traumatic experience, one that left me shaking, and in tears. Scared thoughts racing through my head, i didnt know how to overcome this, i didnt know if i COULD. THen i remembered those words. So currently i am in stage one: Feeling it. I am going to feel every pain, taste every tear, and embrace every thought. And, tomorrow, I will detach myself, move on, fix the problem, and become a better person for it.
When you are doing things right, it is harder to accept the fact that bad things can still happen. "Bad things happen to good people." it doesn't make it fair, it just makes it life.

"The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, but we will escape it only by adding to it."

i have been told that all that i have been through, all that i have overcome in my past has made me who i am today. this used to scare me, knowing what is in my past. but the more that i let this in, the more i know it is true. i have been through a lot, not to say any more than others, but God wont try us anymore than we can handle, right? and i think i have been pushed as far as possible. i used to look in the mirror, and see pain in my eyes, sadness that i felt no one would ever know, no one would ever care. i was wrong. now i look in the mirror and know that i am happy, know that i am one amazing girl. only to argue my point, not to brag, i often get the compliment of "beautiful eyes", "golden rimmed, brown eyes", or my personal favorite " puppy dog eyes." i never got that before, ever.
through all the tears i have shed, through all the self-destructive thoughts, all the horrible, lonely days, i have been shaped, mended, to what i am now. in every sense of the saying " I am strong because i am weak. I am beautiful because i know my flaws. i am a lover because i am a fighter. i am fearless because i have been afraid. I am wise because i have been foolish. and I ca smile because i have known sadness." i have been brought closer to my family, closer to my savior, and God, and my friends. i am grateful for my past, for making me.

Cuts, scars, bruises, lies and fake smile. Constant cries and a horrifying past. Promises broken, lovers lost, and the “trust me” that didn't last.

when most people get "burned" by the people around them, they stop trusting people all together. that makes sense! you trust someone, and they ruin it, so you don't trust them anymore, right? well, as that may be the case for some of you, it's very different for me. i have been burned so many times that i almost can't even count, like a lot of us. so why is it that all this makes me more open with people? when i think about this sometimes i feel confused, but then it makes just as much sense as not trusting people. think about it. i have had so much pain caused from people who hurt me, but in a way, all this makes me want to find my REAL friends, find the people that i can REALLY trust. i make a new friend, and i have no problem telling them most things about my life. all the mistrust has thrown me into trusting even more. the feeling of being able to trust others is like a lifelong journey for me, sometimes i find it, and a lot of times i don't. in a way, this characteristic, this personality trait, has brought me even more pain. eager to share my life and my secrets with people, i have put a lot on the line, for someone who, the next day, throws it in my face. and yet i continue trusting, i go on sharing, hoping that one day i wont have to worry about who i tell what, because the people that surround me will genuinely care enough to not hurt me. i have a few of them :] and i hope never to lose them.

"you can't handle the truth."

There is a reason we call our current economic situation a depression. now, this may sound like an opener to a great anti-Obama joke, but its not. Look around us. EVERYONE is feeling, being diagnosed with, or treated for depression. people are losing their jobs, left and right; cars are being impounded; houses put up for bankruptcy; the list goes on and on. Among this mass of depressed beings was little Ole me, shoving, trying my hardest to escape the epidemic before it became terminal. And for the first time in my life i am constantly thinking, worrying that it would return. We all have our hard times, and trials, but in order to become depressed, we have to allow the depression to creep back into our lives, on some subconscious level we have to want it there.
I believe that there is a common misconception correlated with depression. Maybe this is the wrong word, but i feel that it has almost been glorified, like an eating disorder, or a drug problem, or some distant celebrities cheating habits. To some, it almost has this "appeal". Why? for the sympathy. I think that we commonly mistake sympathy for love. now, sometimes love accompanies sympathy. Like when your mom is worried about you, about the way you talk about not caring about anything. Like the way your friends wrap their arms around you and cry, just because you are. But sometimes it comes with fear, confusion, lack of understanding, and even impatience. Sometimes, it comes by itself, all alone. Like you and i feel. Like the mass, the epidemic. There are many of us feeling the same things, walking the same road, wondering aimlessly, and yet, we feel alone, isolated, deserted.
In a popular song by Green Day, Boulevard of Broken Dreams, they sing " I walk a lonely road, the only one that i have ever know, don't know where it goes, but its only me to me and i walk alone." As you walk down the hall, tears in your eyes, headphones blasting that song that explains exactly how you feel at this very moment, you wonder what everyone around you is thinking. if your in high school, there is a good chance most people are thinking about everything BUT you. Some might have their curiosity temporarily peaked, and then their attention could be directed elsewhere. And then, to your rescue come your friends, bringing hugs and much love. Yet what do we do? We push them away, its not like its what we really want, we just cant bring ourselves to accept what we feel we don't deserve. Happiness.
i have friends, family, and acquaintances that believe they are not or were not capable of being Happy. the truth, as painful as it may be, they aren't happy because they wont LET themselves be. the truth is, those feelings we get when things get bad seem like they are all there is. those feelings create a world for us, a world of self-pity, and self-loathing. it seems like that world is all we have, so we embrace it, sink our nails into it, and accept it as reality, whether it is or not. these feelings are addictive, and difficult to stop. but NOT impossible. i think some of us are just too lazy, to afraid to stop being numb for fear that we will get hurt again. its hard, to take ourselves off of auto-pilot. in NO way am i saying that EVERYONES depression is manageable. there are some whose brain does not accept the chemicals needed to be happy. At some points in our day, we may feel so down, and yet, we have no clue why, no reason. All we know is we simply want to evanesce, dissapear. Nevertheless, for most of these cases, we can take medications, see a therapist, that can help us lead a healthy, happy life.
I guess what i am saying is i have been where you are. I have felt like maybe the only solution to my pain was to die, to simply stop existing. I know what many of us are going through, and its hard, SO hard, but we can do it, we can overcome it all. I know that now. We don't have to be sad, we can be happy. Always, the choice is always ours. So make it.

dear susan,

i have been thinking about you a lot lately, and to be perfectly honest, i feel quite guilty. when you started to get really sick, i didnt come over and visit you as much. i think part of me was scared to see you in that state, and scared that i couldnt keep my composure. but the other part? i regret and am embarrassed to say, i think i was lazy. i have finally admitted it. and it feels horrible even more to type it than to think about it, and i bet even more to say it. i am sorry. you were my hero, going strong for so long when the doctors gave you such little time. susan, after you passed it felt so sureal for so long, i couldnt quite come to grips with it, i had only once before seen death so close up. then when it finally hit, you never left my mind. i have a picture in memory of you on my wall of random things, i made a documentary that highlighted you and your fight with cancer, and i even think about you when i see your kids. susan, the bracelets you made me, for my birthday and for i think christmas, are some of the only jewelry i will wear. even though they break on occasion, i fix them. i guess all i am trying to get from this letter is a little bit of closure, to put my feelings out there so maybe it will help me heal a little bit more. susan, you were one amazing person, and in the song, "hear you me" the lines that read " and if you were with me tonight, i'd sing to you just one last time, a song of a heart so big, God wouldn't let it live" . may angels bring you in, i miss you, but i know i will see you again someday.
until then,
paige marie loudon

"there are those that come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts"

And when did YOU come into my life? Seminary, bitter at my apparent apathy towardst he no-drink policy of our class, YOU knocked over my beverage. At that moment, I would have felt that it was such a wasted of my tasty Dr. Pepper. Now? Well now is a different story. In fact, I would say that I am quite thankful for Brother R for his stupid rule (the ONLY thing I will ever thank him for). Starting a friendship that took root and grew, well as much as YOU would allow it to anyway. Your heart was occupied by another, I told myself not to give up. I didn't. You may have needed me to, even wanted me to, but I wouldn't, I couldn't. trips to walmart, tackling you for a hug in the hall, forcing you to smile when you thought you couldn't, or even didn't want to, THESE were all part of my plan. Now before you think that I was trying to steal YOU away, that was not my intention. My intention was to make you a best friend, and that I would be content with. BUT something was pulling you down, you seemed so exhausted, yet you continued. I was so jealous of the beautiful brunette that helpd your heart. But if she made you happy, I couldn't complain. school ended and the game of cat (me) and mouse (YOU) was over. YOU graduated, and I thought I would never see you again. I am so happy I was wrong. YOU called me one day a few months later, asking me on a date. That date was the best date I have ever been on, no offense to those of you who have taken me on dates. Seeing a movie, laughing, getting ice cream, laughing again, then back out on the grass, talking about life, I was myself. Two streaks of light flashed across the night sky, shooting stars. We both made wishes, and I'm not sure what YOUrs was, but I wished that you would find happiness. Through all the sadness over previous months, and the selflessness you had, you deserved to be happy again. I believe that wish came true, and with the blessing of including me, YOU seem to be happy. And along with your happiness came mine, I haven't felt this good in a long, long time.
Ever since that night, I couldn't go a day without talking to YOU. Hanging out as often as possible, still wasn't enough. Then one night, high above the ground, YOU asked me a question, one that went far above my head. Embarrassing enough I missed the target answer. Then when attempted another night, I understood fully what you were asking. GOAL ACHIEVED! YOU are so easy to talk to, always there for me. When YOUr past has risen from the dead, taken zomby form and snapped at me, you come to the rescue, and make me feel better. When I come home sick from school, YOU visit me and let me fall asleep on YOUr chest. When I cry, you hold my face in YOUr rough hands and wipe away the tears rolling down my cheeks. What more could i ask for? All I need is YOU. YOU were the one that inspired me, to become better, happier, more religious, more EVERYTHING.