"Sanctuary: A place to retreat to, when the world has turned on you, when you feel alone, and when you need guidance from the Divine."

         Each of us has a past, one that can creep upon us in the present. The pain never seems to go away, the fear of things you have done never leaves, and the people who have hurt you never disappear. For people like me it's even worse, because I over think everything, and in my mind I am at fault for almost everything that occurs in my life, its hard to live with myself sometimes. So how do people like me do it? how do we survive? Personally, I find my place of refuge. My sanctuary. Every few months the things that comfort me may change, with time, almost everything does. But in most cases, all the things that bring me to my sanctuary stay the same.

          Writing is probably my most commonly used sanctuary, whether it is for my blog, in my journal, or just silent releasings of emotion into my notebooks. To me, writing is so personal, so emotional, and so inspiring. Could there be a better medication than to jot what is in my head, what needs to be said that may never be spoken. Through poetry I gain all that is needed from writing down my feelings in safisticated lines of code. Through my journal, I gain all the time for venting that it may take to cool down enough to think straight about life, and current situations. Through my blog, I am not sure exactly what I gain, I like to think that people read it, and even though I know that my audience is quite small, it gives me the satisfaction of putting my feelings out in the open without blowing up in someones face.

           Music is just one thing, that everyone in the universe can agree, that reaches the soul in a way that no pass time can soothe, that no therapy can touch, and that no amount of endorphins can heal. Sitting in bed, wrapped in my covers in the middle of the day, is innapropriate and is a perfect waste of time. Unless of course you crank the music, and listen, and just drown yourself in the emotion of the rhythm, the sactity of the lyrics, and the purpose of the melody.

           The all-healing method of my sanctuary though, is prayer. Prayer should not only be a sanctuary when you are in full retreat, it should be a constant counsel, but sometimes it is hard for me. And yet, everytime I need it, when I pray it provides such comfort for my fears, such respect for my tears, and such love for all I am. The quietly spoken communication with my divine Heavenly Father, and Savior is one that trumps all of my sad attempts for clearity and peace.

           Every person goes about finding their safe haven, their sanctuary in a different way, in a different place, and yet we all want to achieve the same thing. "In every heart there is a room, A sanctuary safe and strong, To heal the wounds from lovers past, Until a new one comes along."There are always friends, and people who love us to also help us, and I think that sometimes humans CAN provide a helping hand, you just have to find the ones that are willing to. I have a list, maybe a small one, but a list nonetheless, of people that I know will love me through anything. I love them too, and I just want them to know that.    

Such Great Heights- Postal Service 

I am thinking it's a sign

That the freckles in our eyes are mirror images

And when we kiss they're perfectly aligned

I have to speculate

That God himself did make

Us into corresponding shapes

Like puzzle pieces from the clay

True, it may seem like a stretch

But its thoughts like this that catch

My troubled head when you're away

When I am missing you to death

When you are out there on the road

For several weeks it shows

And when you scan the radio

I hope this song will guide you home

They won't see us waving from such great heights,

"Come down now", they'll say

But everything looks perfect from far away,

"Come down now", but we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave

This all on your machine

But the persistent beat it sounded thin

Upon listening

And that frankly will not fly

You will hear the shrillest highs

And lowest lows with the windows down

When this is guiding you home

They won't see us waving from such great heights,

"Come down now", they'll say

But everything looks perfect from far away

"Come down now", but we'll stay...

(music)

They won't see us waving from such great heights,

"Come down now", they'll say

But everything looks perfect from far away

"Come down now", but we'll stay...

(They won't see us waving from such great heights,

"Come down now", they'll say

They won't see us waving from such great heights)

"Each of us represents a star in the sky; sometimes we shine with the rest, sometimes we twinkle alone, and sometimes ... when we least expect it ... we fall and make someone's dreams come true."

Thank you.

The purpose of Thanksgiving is to reflect upon what blessings we have been given. But is that what we actually use it for? I think we all show some level of appreciation for what we have, but we do not spend most of the day thinking about it. I have so many ideas for my future family to help make holidays so much more meaningful, but for now, the change starts with me.
I could continue this post by listing a million different things that I have, but I wont. I feel when a list is made, it is harder to actually appreciate each blessing individually. So along with all the minute things in my life that still play a large role, I am going to list all the people, and things in my life I am grateful for, in no particular order.
Mom, oh mom, where would I be without you, and your loving guidance. We don't see eye to eye on many things, and even though that doesn't really change, I know that you do everything with a purpose. That purpose is our family. Your love for each of us shows, and no matter what we know it. You laugh at all my dumb, jokes, and even mimick them on occasion, and it really means a lot to me. You hold me when I cry over little things. You allow me to rub your feet almost ever night of the week, oh wait.... You sacrifice so much for me, mom, I love you, and I am so grateful that God sent me to you, here, at this time, in this family. Thank you.
Dad, you try so hard, and even though I don't easily accept a lot of things from you, including constructive criticism, I do appreciate how much effort you put into loving me, and trying to show me that you love me. Because I notice, I always notice whether I show it or not, I love you, and KNOW that you love me. I could not have a more caring, protective, and loving dad. Thank you.
Sierra, I love you! My older sister who has unconditional love for me, always forgiving me for stupid things I do, you have my back, and listen to me always, you care, and that means so much for me. You really are such a strong part of my life, you show me what I can do, what I can overcome. You are so strong, and I really appreciate your example. Thank you.
Adam, this may appear to be hitting the whole sibling thing, but really, I love you. Even though we don't always get along, its the times that we do that are so fun. Our sense of humor is really one of a kind. Everyone says that later on we will be best friends, and I used to think that was such a silly thing to think. BUT I really do see us being close, and I hope that comes soon, because I will be moving out soon enough. Adam, every once in a while I see a glimpse of your caring side, and it really redeems everything else, I love you. Be strong, because a guy like you, the world will attempt to tear down. You have so much potential. Thank you.
Lauren, you are so cute. I really hope that you know how amazing, and intelligent you are, because our family is just full of that. You can grasp our conversations at dinner when most kids your age wouldnt. You are so amazing in so many different ways. Its so cute when you talk about how alike we are, and even though I dont like to admit it, I know its true. I can see your sense of humor, and realize what it will be in the future. You ability to sympathize is so much like me it scares me. I really am so thankful for you being in my family and forgiving me whenever I am rude ( I know it happens often). Thank you.
The rest of my family has has such an impact on my life. They are such a huge part of how I am who I am today, its crazy. I love you all and you have been such an example to me! I really cannot imagine this life without you. Thank you.
Trevin, wow, there is just so much to say. You are my best friend and I love you. You are constantly there for me when I am sick, sad, even happy. You are such an amazing person, and have so much potential in this world. You care for me even when I know I don't deserve it at all. I really hope to always have you be a part of my life. I cannot imagine going it alone in this world without you. You help make me strong, in life, in the gospel, and anything else. Thank you.
Brayden, you are my brother, and I love you so much. The things that you have done for me in my life are truly amazing, and I really appreciate everything. In some ways, you could say that you saved my life. Thank you.
Mitch, my angel, I owe you so much. But I am so thankful for all your kindness, and all that you have done for me. It has truly changed my life. Thank you.
You, I am not thankful for you, but I am thankful for who you made me in my life. You helped me be able to sympathize with others, you helped me find my love for writing, and you helped me find my more serious side. Thank you.
Mr. Nelson, you are one of my heroes. You helped my love for writing become a talent. I may not be the best writer, but I love what I write, and you taught me to write what I feel inspired to write, not what I have to. But even more than that, you taught me that I can take any manditory assignment and make it personal. Thank you.
To my journal, you have created a special therapy for me that no one could comprehend. Thank you.
My Savior, I thank you everyday for the sacrifice that you have made for me. The pain that you suffered for me, and the love you have given me. You forgive me whenever I ask it of you, and you love me always. I love you so much, and could go on for days about you, but all in all I just want to say: Thank you.

a million things we never said.

Its always hard to look into the eyes of someone who has hurt you. for the last few months i have felt like I had lost my very best friends. I felt I lost him through a complex situation filled with saturated drama. Left without closure, I sought after a happy ending, as usual. Today in the over-populated hall of my school, I approached you. humbling myself was so hard, because I know I did nothing wrong. I was always there for you, I was your best friend forever, and I thought you would return the favor. And yet, here I was, looking you in the eyes, hand on your arm.
"can we talk?" the words sounded unnatural, and so reluctant to come out.
"no." you say as I look at you with confusion, " I have to go to class."
"then later? please?" Almost half smiling, glad to have taken that first step and then your word in reply.
"no." you pulled your arm out from under my hand, and walked away with your head shaking. you walked away, leaving me with tears dropping to the ground like bombs of sadness, that only I could feel the explosion of. This was a new form of rejection I had not anticipated, expected to become acquainted with so soon.
Last night I had gone through all the different ways this situation could possibly go, how could I have skipped that one? How did I miss the one that actually, now, seemed so obvious? The one path taken, that I had not seen coming, and yet it still came. It hit me head on.
I just don't understand. I was the only one holding on? The only one who wanted our friendship back? So I guess this is goodbye?
I will miss you, and all the moments that we share. The talks we have had, the tears we have wiped away from each others eyes. You may push them away, stab them in hopes to make them disappear, but they will always be there, in the back of your mind. And every once in a long while they will creep up on you, and you will realize what you did, what you threw away. I hope you are happy where you are currently, because I am not going to try to change that anymore. I am now going to force myself to accept your rejection, I am going to "forget". "Forget" what I can't, and yet I am going to try. goodbye to you.

I know that this song is written from a guys perspective, but if you switch it, it really is the only song that can explain how I feel right now.

"Tomb" by Allred

I woke up such a mess today, so alone and so afraid
That all the mistakes I had made had followed me back to this place.
And all these fading memories, they still haunt me in my sleep.

Excuse me for the way I look at you. You remind me of someone I thought I knew.
And I loved her so, but she left me in this tomb.

Why does it always end this way, a million things we'd never say?
And if our hearts weren't meant to break, then why's there so much we can take?

Excuse me for the way I look at you. You remind me of someone I thought I knew.
And I loved her so, but she left me in this tomb.

A glimpse.

Just imagine being doubled over in pain. the pain is so strong though, it is overwhelming every part of your body, in effect it makes you vomit. Every aching bone in your body begs to collapse and pass out, but you can't, its not done with you yet. Screaming, thrashing on the ground, begging, pleading with God to take you. But he wont. Hitting your head against walls in silly attempt to drown out the pain consuming your mind and body, the distraction only last for a moment. Every few months I go through this, not knowing when, or what is going on. It scares me, and anyone who see this pathetic ordeal. Why am I writing this? Because its the only thing that I can manage to write, to form whole thoughts about. My mind is on hold for the next few hours. The funny thing about pain is when its over, all the things you said, all the; screams you relent to, and all the thrashing seems a bit silly. And yet, when you are in the midst of it, it seems so real. Like you are ready to die, like you are really just done. Its so scary to see how vulnerable I am, and to realize how I am not invincible. I am not a person who enjoys the feeling of being weak, not being in control, and I definately do not enjoy feeling like I am mortal. Dont we all?

What Is Love?

What is love? Does anyone know for sure? It's been said that love is when you can think of nothing but that person. So does the paranoid delusional love the government, in all reality? It has been said that its a warm feeling that makes your heart beat fast without physical push, and yet getting up in front of a crowd can do the same, so do we LOVE to fear the crowd? It is stated so many different ways, and yet no one REALLY knows what love is. We just know it is. We all see it so many different ways, and yet the ONE thing that the entire universe agrees upon, is that love exists. The human race is all about seeing to believe, and yet love is the exception. Because no matter what you don't see love, you feel it. You may see a couple walking hand in hand, and feel happy for them, but you don't feel the love between them. You know what makes more sense then all those combined? Love is. That's it, no follow up, it just is. I may not know exactly what the full potential of my love is yet, but for right now? I know what love is to me, for this is as much as I have ever loved, and it may not be the perfect love, but to me, it is love. Love for me is you:) and whether I will develop my ability to know love or not? I will always love you on some level. Because my love for you is. It just is. No need for explanation. No need for complication, it's complicated enough already.

"First they put away the dealers, to keep our kids safe, then they put away the prostitutes, to keep married men loyal, then they shooed away the bums, to clean the streets, and then they beat and bashed the queers. Turned away asylum seekers, fed us suspicions and fears. We didn't raise our voice, we didn't make a fuss. It's funny, there was no one left to notice... When they came for us. "

-- one tree hill

I am impatient...

" I cry a tear each time I think about how life could be different IF I still lived there, IF we were still best friends, how I could have real friends IF I still lived there, IF we were still best friends. I miss you guys."

(essay question #2): Describe a setback you have encountered in your life. Explain how you have handled the situation, what you have learned from it

I have been sick. Since 7th grade, I have been sick. Sick with what? A disease commonly known as depression. Whether triggered by events, or just being reborn, it always came back. For years, I didn’t do anything about it, didn’t show others, and didn’t want to change. I felt alone, abandoned, worthless, and attacked. I felt I had no purpose. And in a way, that was my purpose, my life, to feel that I was nothing. I tried to find happiness.

Unfortunately I was looking for it in the wrong places, which made it harder. After a life changing experience, and simply brilliant advice, I decided to make some changes in my life. I abruptly stopped communication with the friends that I had been hanging out with previously. They were going down a path that I knew would destroy what happiness I had left. So I was gone. It was so hard to leave them, but some friends that I had previous to this group took me right back. They showed me a whole different kind of friendship, one that wouldn’t stab you in the back. I felt so much better.

When I still didn’t feel happy with my new friends I tried to figure out what I could do to help myself further. I went to my savior, and gained the strongest testimony of the atonement I could possibly have. I realized what it was fully, not just on the surface. I prayed to him, and every time I did, I would feel such a peace in my heart that it would bring tears to my already watering eyes. Reading the scriptures every night before bed really helped me receive the inspiration that I needed for me, and those around me. I seemed to be more helpful to those I cared about most, and I had things in perspective that I didn’t understand before. I could feel a real change in myself taking place, and it was definitely for the better.
Finally the next thing that I incorporated into my life was writing. I wrote about every feeling, emotion, event, and inspiration I had. I wrote away all of my tears, and even some of my fears. When I wrote I c

Application Question (for essay #1): Describe any special interests and/or passions and give examples of how you have developed knowledge and creat..

There is just something so appealing and attractive about putting words together to write something that can cause emotion, inspire thought, or urge action. To me, writing is an outlet to the emotions that I cannot describe in a casual act of conversation. For the great majority of my adolescence, I have been turning to paper and pen for the liberation of expressing what I feel. Through journal entries and other forms of writing, I have developed a pure love for writing and what it means to me.

For the past three years I have kept a journal, and written in it often, if not daily. These journals were more than just a mere historical outline for future generations. They served as a best friend, when I felt like I had none, a listener, when I wanted to talk and not listen, and a reminder of all that I have been through and how I have been shaped to be the person I am today. Every few months, I will take out a fresh notebook, and I will create another journal. I will tape a colored piece of paper to the front cover and then I proceed to decorate it. It makes my journal seem more personal when I have customized it to resemble myself during that time. I record situations in my life, feelings that are enveloping me, and even future aspirations I have.

Another form of writing that I use often is a blog. The purpose for a blog can be anything the author creates it to be. From online journals, advice columns, even to informational pieces on almost any topic, blogs are a rising trend in the writing world. My first experience I had with a blog was in my creative writing class. We were required to make and keep a blog of all of our assignments and prompts. It was helpful to see others opinions and constructive criticism on my pieces. After the semester long class, I did not want to stop writing. I made a different blog. It started as a documentation of the current events in my life, important and not. Slowly it formed into life experiences, and what I feel is the best way to overcome them, and ultimately endure them. Now I pour all of my passion into what I write on my blog, hoping it will one day help someone other than myself. For me, it is the ultimate way to put life into perspective, to step back and write, seeing things from different points of view, which often times reveals the true side to things and simple solutions.

To write, for me, is to be happy. I write away my problems, not in an attempt to run from them, but to more clearly see and fix them. I hope one day my writing will inspire someone somewhere to change for the better. Writing is my passion and I aim to continue to develop my talent for it.

I have to write right now, even though I really dont want to. I need to. I always talk about how I have overcome my depression, and how it is possible. Its a great thing, but I just want you to remember that just because the illness, the disease is gone, doesn't mean you never feel pain again. Right now, I feel very down, there is a lot going on in my mind that I feel that I dont know how to handle. And maybe I don't. But there is one thing I do know. I can feel the difference between this pain that is penetrating me at the moment, and the almost permanant pain that I have struggled with in the past. I don't quite know how to describe the difference, but I think we all just know for ourselves. Although the waves crash, we know that the tide will go down, and we will be able to breathe again. I could let this pain scar me, I could embrace it, and not let go, but that would be inviting my depression back in. And although sometimes it is hard to not open that door again, I realize that It will just make things worse then they already are.
If anyone can help it will be you :] and my savior. He will help me out, and help me feel that I can change, and stay that way. I know that I am loved.

"All that I am or even hope to be, I owe to my angel mother." Abe Lincoln

Dear Mom,

Everyday you do things for me. Things I am sure I don't even notice. Mom, you have been there for me, loved me, and cared for me in times when no one else did. When I was heartbroken, I knew that I could come home everyday and just sit and cry while you hugged me and let me. Mom, I don't understand how you can love someone who has lied to your face, yelled at you, and taken all you have done for them for granted. And yet you do. Being a mother is possibly one of the scariest things I have in my future, and yet the one thing that comforts me is that I have the ultimate example for the perfect mom. And just like the saying goes, 'perfect moms aren't real, and real moms aren't perfect'.

What one of us hasn't made mistakes that effect those around us? And yet you make it look so easy to overcome all that you have. Mom, you are a heroine in my eyes. I could not even imagine making it through this life without you guiding me, teaching me, and talking to me about what is going on.

I know I take you for granted a lot of the time, but mom, I really don't, I just don't know how to show how much I appreciate you. I love you, and realize some of the great sacrifices you have made to give me a comfortable life, a testimony of the church, and an ability to communicate. I love you with all my heart, and will love you even more when I come to realize the love a mother has for her child.

The worst thing about disobeying you, or "standing up for myself" is knowing that I have hurt you in the process of doing so. I know I can't be perfect mom, but I will try for you, and all those who have helped me become who I am today. I love you.

Your daughter for Eternity,

Paige Marie Loudon

What is my path?

"The Road Not Taken" By Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I used to think this poem was dumb and unrelatable everytime I saw it in english class, and yet now when I read it, it really means something. It means something more than words can explain. It is a beautiful poem that describes every persons life one way or another. It provokes thoughts of "where am I going?", "What am I doing with my life?", and "What decisions am I making today that could make 'all the difference'?"

It is only when we are forced to stand alone, we realize that we never were, and never will be.

In a class a girl read this poem, and it truly touched me. I began to tear up, and I could tell that I wasnt the only one. This poem is not complex, and does not have many of the attributes that the "english" rules dub necessary, and yet it is just as inspiring and influentail as any other one that I could find in the textbooks. It goes as follows:


One night I dreamed a dream.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.

When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand. There was only one set of footprints. I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life. This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.

"Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way. But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I just don't understand why, when I need You most, You leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."

"Footprints" by Margaret Fishback Powers


How true this is, at the hardest most trying times in my life, I have felt alone. Don't we all? The tears flow for ourselves, and we can't stand the thought of being alone. Fact: We aren't. Opinion: We still feel that way, and for some period of time want to. Our savior is always there, carrying us, bearing the weight if we let him. So why don't we let him? I will.
One thing that I know is that Our, My, Savior suffered all the pains imaginable to mankind, not just for our sins, but for our sadnesses. He felt every heartbreak, every distructive thought, every pain, every loneliness, and every unsure feeling. He knows what we have gone through, so how can we not take help from the one who knows EXACTLY what we aregoing through? My favorite phrase to my parents: "you just don't understand." And they don't, but they know somewhat what is happening. Well we can't say that to the Savior. That would be denying his sacrifice. I remember a time, when I felt that I was on my own, my soul purpose in life was to be abandoned and used. Tears of sadness, regret, worthlessness rolled down my cheeks, and I decided that I needed to get on my knees. As soon as I did, the dam came crashing down, and I felt like I would never stop crying. I poured out my soul, I said all I was feeling, what I was confused about, how I didn't know how to continue on. I felt this peace rush through my veins, and calm my breathing. I knew there was no possible force on earth that could have done that. I felt like through all that was happening, all the pain I was feeling, I could live, and be content with my life. So who is to say we are alone? We are only alone if we ignore the fact that we aren't. My thoughts are so scrambled today. I have a lot on my mind that I don't know what to do. But I will figure it out. I hope that this all makes sense and that I havent just been talking in circles, because thats how I feel. Here is an article that helped me understand the principles that I have talked about, it would probably help more : (copy and paste into address box)http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=185b230bac7f0210VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD