I can't find you anywhere

I lay here in my bed,

Contemplating all the things you said,

About how you’d always be there,

Well I can’t find you anywhere.

All of the empty promises you whispered,

Into the ears of what I desired,

I wanted you here with me,

I wanted you with me.

I wish that I could loath you,

Rather than love you,

I wish I could let go of you,

You loved me best, now you’re gone,

Without you I’d rather be alone.

If you saw the tears I’ve shed,

Cold and alone in my bed,

I thought that you would care,

Try to help the pain I can’t bare.

I wish that I could loath you,

Rather than love you,

I wish I could let go of you,

You loved me best, now you’re gone,

Without you I’d rather be alone.

I just want to let you know,

I’m gonna have to let you go,

Have to move on with my life,

Forget about the you and I,

I wish that I could loath you,

Rather than love you,

I wish I could let go of you,

You loved me best, now you’re gone,

Without you I’d rather be alone.

I lay here in my bed,

Contemplating all the things you said,

About how you’d always be there,

Well I can’t find you anywhere.

"you make breaking hearts so easy, seems like you have done this before."

It's always hard when you go through a break up. How could it ever be easy? Well maybe when you are the one doing the breaking it can be. I am having a particularly having a hard time letting go of this last guy. Not going to lie, he had me convinced he loved me. And for the first time in a long time I began to trust again, began to feed into that same lie that maybe this one won't hurt me. As much as I want to say I have no regrets from this relationship, I do. I guess you should never let yourself care more about your companion more than they love you. That's the only way I figure that you can avoid heartbreak the way I am feeling right now. To be honest out of all of my relationships I have only ended one. But we were not particularly serious. I don't know what that is saying about me. And no matter how many breakups I have gone through I still have no idea how to handle it correctly. Now don't get me wrong, I don't expect every relationship to last forever; that would be highly ignorant of me. But it doesn't hurt to hope that maybe one guy will end it in a way that is not betraying, not bullshitting, and not insensitive. I am talking about the:
"let's just be friends"
"let's take a break" 
"I want to be your best friend, I'm not lying"
"it's just too hard" 
"I am doing this for you" 
"I still love you" 
"it's my fault no yours." another form of " it's not you Its me"
All of the above I am sure look familiar to anyone who has been broken up with. These messages to me are just as genuine  as the self proclaimed popular kid at school saying "call Me" and not leaving his number in your year book. I may sound bitter and right now? I am. But to be honest, it's also just realistic and logical. How many guys or girls that you have dated said these things, and actually followed through? Very few. 
So how do you handle a break up? I wish I knew the answer and could help even myself with that one. But I can't. Right now I am very alone. I talk to no one about how I feel, and yet a lot of my friends can see the pain in my face, Sense the  sadness behind my status'. But how many ask me about it? Want to talk about it? Very few. I guess I can't blame them, it's their personality. But not even my family knows or cares. Breaking down into tears "randomly", with obligation in their eyes asking "are you okay?" I say " yeah I'm fine, nothings wrong" then what come next? No coaxing, no coercing. Silence. I guess I should get used to that. 

3/17/11 2:04 am

Here are the moments

The moments I so dread

The moments that you said

Would never happen, but I bled

I always sit in these moments

And I feel sadness and weakness

I feel lack and worthlessness

These moments are fearlessness

I cherish these moments

The rare ones that show hope

Unseen strength takes over and I know

I can do this and I can move on

I can move on from the moments

Of regret and the longing for redo’s

Winds that seem impossible to push through

Thoughts that I can’t make it without you

And here are those moments

When I move on, stand up and walk

My heart in my hand and securely locked

Once I do, you can no longer talk

So I cheer on these moments

I embellish and I invite them

Remind ‘em, they aren’t forgotten

Little hope is better than not, and

I hope these moments are real

Because I can’t help but question

If I should feel any less than

Beautiful, better off, and amazin’

ehhhhhh

its really hard to write lately guys, i just am having a hard time being inspired. usually when i am depressed and down i have an endless supply of dreadful poems, and bitter notes. not so much anymore. i have been trying to write, almost everyday, and its just not working out, nothing in my life is happening that makes me want to produce words that can evoke emotion. i am finally doing things for me, maybe a little selfish but its felt nice for a while. but the more i do for myself, the more people are upset with me. the more i try to smile through this pain, the more havic comes into my life. so what am i trying to live for?

impossible notes

its pathetic, i know. but i write to you, when i remember things, when i think of you, when i cry, when i want you back, when i want to scream and yell at you. i pull out my i-touch, and i type away, words of regret, words of wisdom, and stupidity, but mostly words of sadness. i will never ask, i will never beg for you to take me back, i wish i didnt have to. i wish that you cared like i do.i wish i could send these broken notes your way, and have you understand my thoughts, but these are the few things i am in control of now. so many things i wish, and remember is one of the most common words in my vocabulary. i remember when you could fix any pain i had. now your just creating it by the black holes sucking my life away. im gonna make like the cliche and somehow survive. even though it seems impossible.

Explore THIS :]

I wanna see the back of your head

as you walk away defeated

i wanna see that smirk on your face

wiped off and out of this place

take your dirty hands

and explore my front door,

then take your wandering eyes,

n' watch my hand wave goodbye.

Dont look at me for any lovin

there are plenty pushin and shovin

i wont waste my time with your games

so sad, too bad, such a shame

take your dirty hands

and explore my front door,

then take your wandering eyes, 

n' watch my hand wave goodbye.

You talk as if you know me,

and act as if to show me,

that i would be the lucky one

to get you when the day is done

take your dirty hands

and explore my front door,

then take your wandering eyes, 

n' watch my hand wave goodbye.

so this is it, no more joking,

im done with all your groping

its time for you to go

and move on, so...

take your dirty hands

and explore my front door,

then take your wandering eyes, 

n' watch my hand wave goodbye.

cuz i dont wanna see your face,

don't try to plead your guilty case

amnesia

Remember the nights I stayed up all night crying? The time I wrote words just to keep my soul from dying? Remember all I did for you, the things I gave up hoping? The silent sacrifices keeping me from coping? Remember the tears I shed, the prayers I whispered to help me help you? The words I wrote the songs I sang in silence just for you. Remember the night I sat in silence, pondering listening for answers? They never came, and I’m to blame, I should have found those answers. Remember the fights I fought in your defense? I never relent. Remember remember, all that I gave, my heart, my love, my strength, all for you, all for us. You don’t remember, because you’re gone, and I’m here, standing alone in a storm of the mess you left me in.

1am

The pain is unreal. I lay here wondering if your thinking about me. I’m thinking about you. Non-stop. Is that okay? Remembering all the beautiful lies you told me. Remembering all the beautiful moments we shared. Remembering all of the beautiful kisses and the beautiful bonds we held. You threw me away and all I do is love you more. Whispers of disappearing, I play strong with a façade of apathy masking my screams for help. You leave. Why did you leave? I can’t take nothing but I want all. You say you want neither but I know you don’t want me at all. Obligations bring us close after you sever my heart and the pathetic tie is dying. Letting it die is so easy. Because in the lyrics of every song I hear the absence of your voice and your promises fall. In every kiss I taste the absence of your lips. In every couple I see the absence of what we were. For you? Or me? No matter, the pain is the same.

out of this hell

a constant flow of tears,

in attempt to resolve these fears,

your words offer little to calm me,

in fact all they do is harm me.

continuing on with your day,

because now your permitted to play,

i am trapped in my heart

wondering why you want to part.

i struggle to gather myself,

pull myself out of this hell,

you ease through the nights,

my muffled sobs, i try to keep quiet.

your excuses filling my ears,

confirming my many fears,

the truths fill my heart

thus tearing it apart.

a cast for your heart, i aided,

now healed and no longer needed

i love, and cry for you,

hoping deep down you hurt too.