tears founded on nothing relevant

It's hard, to know what you are thinking,
even harder to fix how I am thinking.
your busy.
Its okay.
I am glad you are
the mixed emotions lead to nothing
and lonelyness leads to passion for those who aren't
past experiences strangling me
turning me against what I love,
and what I now hate.
stop.
It's not true
I know
do I?
my head screams, telling me this
isn't right.
yet the luring whisper of my heart
reports the confirmation of this pain
this sadness.
shake me
hit me
yell please
I want to be wrong,
I know its wrong.
look at me
a masochistic battle within myself
constantly ripping,
tearing
prying
cutting me to pieces
smile at me, so I can try
try to believe it, I promise
I will try.

Comatose (skillet)

"I hate feeling like this
I'm so tired of trying to fight this "
The faint sound of rain tapping on the windshield, begging me to come back to my reality, teasing me with a bit of simplicity. My mind is somewhere else.
"I'm asleep and all I dream of
Is waking to you
Tell me that you will listen
Your touch is what I'm missing"
The tears in my eyes threatening to run down my cheeks and steal your attention. One side of the fight inside me yells and screams for you to notice so that you can wipe them away, the other prays that you will not notice my sly attempts to make render myself tearless.
"And the more I hide I realize I'm slowly losing you
Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you
I don't wanna live
I don't wanna breathe
'les I feel you next to me
you take the pain I feel"
The words to this song are killing me, making me cry harder. The thought of losing you, the thought of not being with you haunts my mind, and torments my heart. This very intimidating, yet real fact dangles over my conscience. I can feel your eyes searching the side of my face, trying to find a trace of what you secretly suspect. No tears are in view, and yet we are both sadly aware of their presence.
"Waking up to you never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wanna dream
'cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
Waking up to you never felt so real"
The words in perfect sequence, and in the most precise tones to seduce the pain out of hiding. The sting of the inevitability is renewed as you pull over the car.
"I hate living without you
Dead wrong to ever doubt you
But my demons lay in waiting
Tempting me away
Oh how I adore you
Oh how I thirst for you
Oh how I need you "
The interrogation begins with "Paige, what's wrong?" and is followed by long silence. "Nothing." You are staring me down, searching my face, trying to figure out what is troubling the mind of your love, as if it could be written on my face for only your convenience. I want to just tell you how much I love you, and it would make your night. I know that. But it would hurt me, I know that too.
"Breathing life
Waking up
My eyes
Open up
Oh how I adore you
Waking up to you never felt so real
Oh how I thirst for you
Waking up to you never felt so real
Oh how I adore you"
If you only knew. Your hands pull my face to look at you, and though I want to turn away, I don't. Because I love you. If you only knew how much I just wanted to run with you from everything, everyone. If you only knew how I love you. Staring back into your curious eyes a tear runs down my cheek. "Paige, what is wrong, please tell me." As the conversation continues it goes no where. I know you know my thoughts, you know all too well. And yet you sit there, bright-eyed, unscathed. I admire your strength, how you hold it in, keep it up, and stay alive.
"The way you make me feel
Waking up to you never felt so real"
The rain drops on the windshield keep on rapping, and I try to acknowledge the outside world. Because outside of this car, this universe, nothing matters to me. As you pull back onto the road, I watch you. I love you. I just hope that this feeling of losing you doesn't last. Or I wont.

not unconscious yet

 I am tired, way too tired to be awake,

 my head, my throat, and my heart all ache.

 its hard to keep my eyes open and alrert

 its weary to attempt to numb the hurt.

I am tired, much too tired to function,

a difficult experience spending lunch in-

the library is quiet, but cannot silence my thoughts

loud, obnoxious, relentless, tie my heart in knots.

I am tired, but extremely alive for a girl-

who's dealing with the death of her world,

her eyelids droop with the scent of defeat,

tempted to give in, but needs to fill this sheet.

I am extremely tired, but readily resilient,

this embodiment of my sickness will not relent

she stabs, and clenches at my neck,

hoping that from all this I wont come back.

I am exhausted, and yet i will live,

with the help of all of my support who give-

all they can to keep me on my feet,

encouraging words, reminding me, this story is not complete.

"And to the rest of the world, god gave you the shoes That fit you, so put em on and wear em And be yourself man, be proud of who you are Even if it sounds corny, Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful "

the first step is to admit it

I am struggling. There I said it. Happy? I'm not. Well not really. I am not going to bash anyone, because that is not why I write, or why I have a blog. I will say that I am in pain from the things that are surrounding me. As I have written in this blog, I have talked a lot about overcoming depression and how you just have to do it. So I am going to do it. I am going to kick this, I can't let it drag me down again. It's getting there though. I have my closest friends that still care, and have my back. Chris is amazing, always there to talk, and always makes me feel so good. I try to help him and in turn it helps me too. He really doesn't understand what an amazing guy he is, and how true a friend he is. I appreciate all he does for me. Then there is Trevin, what can I say that hasn't already been said? You are so good to me, and lately I have been... I don't know, I guess a little moody, or emotional, but you don't care. You try to help me through it, and don't mind me crying, in fact you encourage it, so that I am not alone crying. I have so many other friends, that I rarely hang out with, and yet they help me so much. My newest, and yet oldest good friend is back, and it is nice, but I have had to make an exchange to get that friendship back. Currently its hurting, but it helps that he cares. I love my friends, and even though I am struggling, I will make it. I will not be a "what could have been", I will be "victorious through my trials". My family gets the brunt of me a lot of the time, and for that I am so sorry. I am trying guys.

my right of passage : high school

Most cultures have a right of passage, or at least something similar. A right of passage is a ceremony, or a trial structured for you to pass into maturity, or the next stage of life, IF you make it. If you return successful and alive, you gain the respect of the adults, and the right to progress in your life. In some cultures its a "hunt", others its a journey to find yourself, and in the good old US of A? We have high school. A place disguised with the "purpose"of an education. When in reality it is a place to make or break pretenders. Because in high school, we are all pretenders. We all put on our "I really don't care." masks after our clothes and make up in the morning. We walk down the halls, chins up, volume up, masking the fact that we are all scared out of our minds.  Our radars blaring showing us the way to go to escape that crazy ex-girlfriend, that one guy you made out with last week, that best friend that is neither best or a friend anymore. High school is full of tests: mental, emotional, and social, with a backdrop of academics. This right of passage can cause death and defeat, but requires no physical activity. It can make you larger than life if you have the right groupies, the right clothes, and the right strings. It is a great and terrible place for me, high school is my personalized hell constructed for my despair only. So this morning I woke up, and TRIED not to look beautiful for beauties sake, but to give no one reason to pick on me, make fun, or stare. I woke up, got dressed, and headed out the door, displaying a weaker mask then I have had to deal with in a long time. Tomorrow I will wake up, go through my routine, and exist. I will pretend because right now in my life, there is nothing for me, but air and "school".