my christmas thoughts '10

As I was falling asleep last night I was thinking about this christmas season. Throughout my jr. high and high school careers christmas season has just felt like another holiday, I haven't legitimately felt festive in years. Contrary to years previous, I felt oh so festive this year. I loved caroling, relished Temple Square, and enjoyed the lights. Pondering on the change of my festivity, I realized that this is my last Christmas living at home. I leave for college next fall, and I think subconsciously I decided to gather up all the memories that I could. Truly, I am going to miss my family so much, and although I can be a very dependent person, I enjoy being able to rely on people. Oh MOM, I love you so much, you and I have so many good times, and so many hard times together, and yet they are all good in the end. ADAM I really don't know what I will do without you, probably the only person I can get away with taking my anger out on, and the only person who will still love me after I do. LAUREN man, you are just a little mini-me. You try so hard all the time to impress me, and you DO! You are so cute, and really, you are going to be just as funny as I am if not funnier. DAD oh dad, really, you understand my personality and potential more than I do. SIERRA, my best friend I never had to ask for. You are always there, and whether we see the same situation two different ways, you still try, and thats all I need in a friend. You know me well enough to know what I need most.
On top of my thoughts of my family, I was thinking about the lack of festivity, or signs of it. WHERE HAVE ALL THE LIGHTS GONE? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE TRADITION OF LUMINAIRES? Less than 50% of the houses in my hometown have lights on them. It makes me sad to think that people dont think that is manditory. Its not expensive if you do it yourself! Thats my frustrations.
So I got my best friend/ boyfriend a custom sweatshirt for Christmas, I was feeling pretty amazing. Then he shows up to my house with a HUGE box, and when opened up, there are more boxes and more boxes :] He showed me up! I love him so much, and I appreciate all he does for me, mentally and emotionally, is so much more than any friend that I have. I hope that I never lose you. Christmas this year, I feel like I am not as profound as last, but I am! I swear it, I just have all my thoughts scrambled into a big pot of craziness. I think I will right a follow-up for when my thoughts are more organized.

I know that my Savior, Jesus Christ, lives. I know that he is my only way to eternal life with a future husband, I know that he is my perfect example, and my perfector. I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the only true church on the earth today, and that Joseph Smith restored it. Christmas truly is the celebration of Christs birth, and I know that I have a personal testimony of it.

It is love if it is easy to care for others, it is charity when we love those it is hard to do so.

When reading the scriptures with my family the other night we got to talking about the differences between love and charity. Because, all in all, charity is the pure LOVE of Christ. But how do we get it? Honestly, I have no idea. Everyone comes with their luggage, everyone has things that they carry with them that can hinder a relationship, or help. It is up to us to look past it, and love them either way. I think that right there, is on its way to charity, but lets throw in this scenario:
Your family has been struggling to get buy, but this man in your neighborhood has asked your parents to invest a lot of their nest in his business, and promises a rewarding return. When your parents, a little reluctantly, agree to invest, things seem to be doing good. After a while your parents invest more and more in this mans company, and then out of the blue. You see your neighbor on the news right next to a caption of "Ponzy scheme Unveiled". Your family loses everything, has to move, and start over. This man goes to jail, and years later, when he is released you run into him in the grocery store. What do you do?
PAUSE!
So lets think about this. He ruined your life, and didn't even manage to send a thank you card, or an apology, in your mind, this man is going to hell. And yet charity, what would the charitable thing be?
A. Walk up to this man, tell him that you love him, and invite him over for dinner?
Honestly, maybe some of you are thinking that would be the thing to do. But I think that option B would work best for everyone.
B. Saying hi, if he engages in a conversation with you allow small talk, and let him know that there are no hard feelings. End it there. Don't pursue him, but dont persecute him.
This may not seem as nice, but you know what I feel charity really is? I think charity is loving someone on a level of ignorance. Loving them, despite what they have done, but ignoring it because it is not your right. You don't need to love everyone like you love your family or boyfriend, I don't think thats whay Christ intended. You know when you are talking about that one person in one of your classes who always makes you laugh, but you know what he does on the weekend is less than pretty? And yet you and your friends exclaim that you "love" him. I think that is charity. Except for the fact that not everyone has a redeaming quality to make themselves likable. I hope I am making sense. But for this sad little man who spent his last few years in jail, contemplating his actions, and may not be fully changed, but realizes the pain he has caused, dont you think that it is charity to silently forgive him, and put behind you. Notice I did not say forget. Because forgetting means no rememberance of, and when we do that, we can open ourselves up to the same hurt as before. So we put it past us. My brain is a jumbled mess, and this is a complex thing for me to wrap my head around, maybe I am behind everyone else. I have some forgiving to do, probably to the people who have hurt me most, and in some ways "changed" my life forever.
I forgive you. I know you arent here now, but I forgive you. I am sorry for not forgiving you sooner. I was wrong.

my "possession"

When I was little I used to have nightmares often. Sleep-walking and talking were nothing of a surprise for my parents to come across. Sometimes I would remember the nightmare, others I wouldn't. The reason I am talking about these past experiences is because recently I have had very interesting experiences with my subconscious. Following a few nights of disturbing nightmares something in my mind must have escalated. I woke up on the floor across my room, with an interesting array of things close to me. Not just my usual clothes crowding the floor. Sitting up, I discovered new bruises and pains that weren't there the previous night. I tried to think of what had been going on in my head before I woke up. I couldn't remember anything, not one thing. The only proof that I had of a nightmare was the horrified feeling I had in my stomach, and sweat in my hair. Wanting to dismiss it, I didn't say anything to my parents, and continued to get ready for my day. In the car, my dad asked me why I was up at 4 in the morning, and who I was talking to. At first I was confused and told him that I wasn't talking or anything. My parents room is right above mine so they can hear me when I am up late at night talking to my friend :] But this time I really didn't have any recollection of the memory. He said that he heard talking, and maybe screaming coming from my room. Great, one more thing to top off my night of fright, knowing someone possibly shared it with me, in a distant way. The mind is a very interesting place, and for the past few days after this occurrence I have been haunted with even more disturbing dreams. I am hoping that they soon come to an end, but we will see.....we will see.

I dont know how, but I seemed to have won the lottery of life.

            Recently I have been studying other cultures, and other lifestyles in one of my classes. Honestly, it has nothing to do with the class, and I think that its a little irritating that we are wasting our time on things that don't pertain to the subject matter. Nonetheless, I have grown to realize how lucky I am to live in the culture I do. It makes me really think, why me? Why do I deserve to live in any better circumstances than the next person? I don't, but somehow before I came to this world, I won the lottery.

           I was given my family, two parents who love each other, and three siblings that I can't stand. And yet they support me in all I am. Going to basketball games, verbally admiring my less than amazing grade cards, loving me when no body else seems to, and laughing at my stupid jokes.

           I was given a home, and security. Way too many people live in fear of what happens next, losing sleep because the fear envelopes your every thought, and the nightmares that haunt you for all of your nights. I grew up in neighborhoods that were safe enough to give me and my family peace of mind, and allow many more freedoms than the children in the slums. To me, you shouldn't have to worry about your child's safety during the night, its a sad place when you can. I have never had to be legitimately worried about my families financial situation. My dad has always worked so hard to provide for my family, and I have never been left in need. Even when my dad hasn't had a job, he was responsible enough that when he did he created a nest that would catch us when we didn't.

           I have friends who care, sometimes its hard to tell, but I know that they are there. Trevin, you have no idea how greatful for you I am. You are there when I SNEEZE, okay not really, but no matter what if I need you, you are always there when you can be. I have always had friends who have supported me, they have come and gone, and some have stayed, and for them, I would like to thank them right now. I know I can be a handful, and a little demanding at times, and somehow you all still love me, and put up with me. Thank you. I love you.

           And on top of everything I was born in this society. Some may say how our country is crumbling slowly, but where else would we live? Name one place that has just as many freedoms as ours, one place that allows changing of class, one place that is as great as this country, didn't think so. I am one girl that would not be able to stand not having rights just because of my gender, maybe that's one of the many reasons why I am here. I don't know why I deserve to be here, but I will do my best to prove that I do deserve to be.

Dear Santa,

I can only imagine, you sitting in your study and looking at my colorful picture of one of your impersonaters, and my christmas tree. I think I do them both justice. And just so you know, I can imagine it because I am watching you. I am even documenting this experience. Anyhow, I think we can all agree that I was an exceptionally good girl this year. I delt out footrubs to my mom like a cheerleader deals out.... well you know, cheers of course. I think that I was a good friend, and I most definately unloaded the dishwasher when my mom asked. I got a 3.7 GPA, and it still counts even if I had an easy hand of classes. Silly me, I keep getting off track, you will recieve this letter soon. You know what that means? That means that you will know what I need from you. I know my mom would be mad at my manners so I will rephrase that last part. You will know what I am wishing for this christmas. To be exactly honest with you, I have high expectations, my dad says I am high maintanence, but I just think I like nice things, and things the way I want them. So here is my list, in no particular order:
1. Since I am moving out soonish, to go to college, and onto the next stage in my life, a laptop would be greatly appreciated.
2. I want shoes :] one thing that everyone can agree on, is that shoes are a nice gift to recieve.
3. perfume, I just got some, but it never hurts to have more, eh?
4. I was thinking that money would just be nice.
5. anything else you can think of, but I dont particularly trust your choice in what I want, so if you can't get me any of the above, let me know and I will reply with an additional list of new things.
Well, in conclusion of this letter, I think you should lay off the cookies and milk, from what I am looking at right now, I have seen way too many servings go into three readings of letters. Just a suggestion, but I am sure Mrs. Claus would agree with me, if there is even a Mrs. Claus. Its so funny to me, everyone has their doubts about you, but what I am doubting is the fact you have a wife. Just my opinion on the matter. Well, Merry Christmas to you Santa Claus, Saint Nicolas, Kris Kringle, you name it, you've been called it. TTYL (talk to you later, like next year when I return to ask for more stuff)
Yours for the season,
                 Paige Marie Loudon
p.s. really, mail me back if you have any questions, concerns, or comments. But no, do not ask me how I located your place. Lets just say my resources are called "google".

am i alone in a crowd?

" Writing, when all is said and done, is an attempt to understand one's own circumstance and to clarify the confusion of existence, including insecurities that do not torment normal people, only chronic nonconformists, many of whom end up as writers after having failed in other undertakings. This theory lifted a burden from my shoulders. I am not a monster; there are others like me. "
-- from my invented country

I was reading this book for my english class, and when I read this, for whatever reason, I felt this deep connection begin to take place with this book. The words, I had never heard before, are so true, and my feelings towards them, are even stronger than the truth of them. I really do not have much to say in this post, mainly because it is stated above perfectly and if you do not understand it? Well, you probably wouldn't if you tried. I will leave the quote as it is, to take effect.